influences

My father

My mother

Thomas Keller

Warren Buffett

Brenda Russell

Etienne Cakpo

Bruce Blair

Morihei Ueshiba

certain gifts, certain predispositions

I was thinking today about the course of my life thus far. It could be summed up in a few stages:

1) youth

2) disapproval

3) seeking

4) aiming

Around the time of my parent's divorce, I began to notice things only in the negative sense. It was during this time that I laid the groundwork for all that my life would become. As I looked around, I was dissatisfied with much of what I found. If the general end of a person's life is considered happiness, prosperity, and peace, I looked around and found that my sense of these values did not match with those around me. I silently (and sometimes not so silently) took stock of the situation.

This taking stock encouraged me to unravel what I felt would be better. I would say this period was ushered in as I began to work in a restaurant kitchen through my time at SJC and Yale, and all the way to Portland. What was my life to become? What do I value?

After finding certain things I did not want to live without - friendship, money, dance, progress. I began to take aim, and the curious thing about this aim is that it has very little to do with the details. I am aiming in a macro sense, expecting the details to work themselves out. Rereading a book about Warren Buffett I sympathize with his unwillingness to run the companies he owns. He has a grand scheme, and he sticks to what he's good at. I've been working to discover this in my own life. After arriving in Portland, my commitments filled the calendar but all this without any true planning or awareness. Suddenly I was presented with the problem of not wanting to do everything I was committed to do. I turned to my macro goals, while still cutting everything out of my life. I've been fairly ruthless in it - my friends hardly see me. I don't dance. I'm barely teaching. But to rebuild one needs strong foundations.

For this reason I'm planning to go to Vipassana for a few months. This is something I wanted to do since first attending a course, but I didn't really make the time for it to happen. Suddenly I realize that the skill Vipassana teaches is to focus, and lord knows, I need some of that. I keep wanting to get places, but I don't have the discipline to sit down and get these jobs done. I understand that I need to get things done, but when I sit down and am unable to work, I see that something needs to change. When I feel that my life should be taking off, I'm leaving to sit in a room for a long time. Vipassana meditators sit for 10+ hours/ day. I will exchange being a course participant and serving those participants. I'm not really sure how long I plan to go, but needless to say I won't be blogging much.

It's curious that I feel the world closing off to me. I struggled and strived to get my food cart open. Everything seemed to be working against me until finally I've decided to just see what happens if I don't struggle. I first looked into the venture because it didn't need much capital, but I realize that to grow quickly, I need at least 110% more capital than I need merely to open shop. Though this may be the first I've publicly spoken of my business venture, suffice it to say there have been many many hours of work put into it. However, I'm going to stick with a Buffett mentality and believe that the right venture will grab me by the throat.

Whatever happens, I am a few month's closer to fulfilling my college roommate's prophecy that I am, "least likely to ever have a 9-5 job."

the virtue of axes

It's occurred to me in the past weeks that the essence of clear dancing is contained in the concept of axes. There are two axes in the body, corresponding to our two feet. Clear dancing, clear rhythms, clear leads, and clear follows occur when we are completely over one of these two axes. Sounds fairly simple to stand on one foot, but I estimate that over 99% of the dancers I watch do not get over one foot before switching weight. I'm included in the majority.

What this means is our lives are one big jumble. Where are we? It's hard to tell - in fact, it's hard to even see the music in our movement. Music is regular, but the split-weight shuffle that we're all out there performing cannot be regular. It can't be precise. It can't ever really be beautiful. To reduce dance down to it's most fundamental aspects leaves one with 1) clear movements of your weight, 2) posture, 3) timing. At least these are the three that I have discovered.

I found Musashi in my dad's garage. It's nice to start reading it again for the third time. The characters have become familiar. I picked up Iron John again too. Plato. Emerson. Buffett. Liar's Poker. Tao. mmm.

On the topic of axes, it's clear to me that the most powerful thing in the world is to be fully present. Watch a few clips of Morihei Ueshiba and you will realize. Just watch. What is it that prevents us all from being present? I don't understand. To sit; to simply sit. To eat. To sleep. To dance. All this is merely falling - it's accidental. We miss the heart of it. What is an action if not done with intention? It's nothing. We might as well push some dirt around. We tell ourselves it is something, because everyone around us is doing the same. We all can't be wrong. Right?...

To act without intention is natural. We've all learned it, and it is how we live. But there must be something more. I watch Morihei, and I cannot see when he overtakes his opponent. At what moment did it happen? There is a story about a man who came to O-sensei planning to attack him as he bowed. Morihei stared the man down silently for a prolonged period of time. The students did not know what to make of this. Why were these two men not bowing? What sort of thing was going on as they watched each other? Suddenly the would-be attacker bowed very long, and Morihei returned the gesture. The man understood that he sat before a man with no openings.

What does that even mean? No slippage? To simply be present. Morihei used to say that all of Aikido could be learned in 6 months. He would reprimand his young students for developing their strength. He would lament that when he turned to look back there was no one on the path behind him. What is this martial art called Aikido? What is this thing called perfection? It's not training - it doesn't come from that, though training is useful. Where does it come from? What is a man with no openings? Is he even a man? What is the silence of the moment? What is a swing out? What is an axis? What is this corn on my foot? Why why why why?

It's hard to get along without a farmer's market. Good lord, where are my eggs and mushrooms? What is this CAFO produced flesh? It looks like it's rotting. I saw a table of rotting food, placed out like a feast. Treated like a feast. We're missing it. The silence of the moment. Do you know the moon is eclipsing now? huh, Jonathan? Do you?

black swan

I just finished watching Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan. It's not a great movie, but like his others, it's very intense, and the music is overwhelming and beautiful.

It's a story about destruction and something beautiful arising from destruction. It seems like a fitting movie for me to see right now, as I sit through one sleepless night, waiting for a plane to take me back east. There is no dance in me. There is no work in me. There is a heavy dread, asking me to take a look at myself. I feel the potential for dance. In the past weeks, I've been listening to songs on repeat, and every now and then I start to feel the premonition of a groove. But still there is nothing; all I seem to find when I look at myself is tension. The tension builds, and I look at my life thinking it should be something else. It should be something, something, something. And I'm walking the streets looking for it. And why can't i find it? Why is someone buying the house I want? And why am I even here in Portland? I haven't danced in months. I suppose I never danced, really. I never let anything go. So where is my dance? Maybe I never really loved it in the first place? Maybe I never danced at all. I think that's close to the truth, so why then, am I here wanting something I've never even done before?

back to meditation

I've started meditating for an hour, twice a day. It's been a few days now, but this is the first time I've ever sat for an hour when alone. I sat for longer than that at Yale, where I had the support of a location and group doing the same. I sat for 10 hours/ day during two Vipassana courses. 2 hours/ day was the recommended homework when leaving Vipassana, but I was never able to do it. My mind would wander so fast. I've been practicing affirmations from Louise Hay and reading lots of other materials focused on changing one's thoughts. I quickly realized that it's very hard to do that. I just don't have the focus. That's when it finally occurred to me, in fact while reading a book by David Hawkins, that I have to get back to meditation. There is actually something in it for me. I practiced meditation earlier in my life without really thinking about it. I knew I liked it, but I didn't have a driving force encouraging me to continue. And suddenly I may have found that.

on cooking with care

Something funny happened to my cooking and food buying in the past days. I was thinking about making a lasagne a few weeks ago. I was cooking and cooking, in a hurry, operating on autopilot. It was fascinating watching myself work, because I was flying through the prep, doing everything very efficiently. As I was finishing the sauce, I tasted it and thought, "man, that's amazing." A moment passed, and then all of a sudden I decided to make it MORE amazing by adding some splashes of balsamic vinegar. Naturally, this threw off the balance and the sauce tasted vinegary. Assembled, the whole thing tasted great, but that decision to add vinegar haunted me. Why did I do that? Why was I unable to accept that moment of perfection - when all things were balanced?

As I continued cooking in the next weeks, I started to give some thought to Buddha's middle way. He seems to say we are all bouncing against extremes. We are joyful then depressed, etc. Likewise my cooking was a skill I learned through meeting extremes. Each time, my dish would be a little bit off, and I would correct my technique for the next time. I thought a lot about my dishes. I compared my past experiences, recipes, and instruction to amalgamate a dish.

Somehow in the past two weeks something shifted. Hardly noticing it, I stopped thinking in terms of past experience. I looked at a dish, or raw ingredients, or the content of my fridge, and thought, "What now?" I continued this line of questioning from the market through the preparation of the dish, so that my cooking became a series of, "What nows?" And I can't believe it, but my cooking is flawless. I've bought the perfect combination of things at the market without any plan; I've used everything in my pantry/ fridge; the cooking and seasoning has been just right. I'm not doing things the same as I was taught. I'm pulling unexpected things out of my pantry. I'm left feeling something isn't quite right until I track down that last ingredient.

I think I finally found that state Thomas Keller eloquently writes about, when you pay the closest attention to the details. Cooking in this sense is a deep awareness. This may adequately explain why mass-produced food is consistently unhealthy. It is prepared with minimal awareness. What is it about attention to detail that makes things come alive? The hand-wrapped gift, the beautiful and comfortable home, the kindest of words. I think it is the fact that the perfect action requires deep awareness and deep love, and then these qualities somehow imprint themselves onto the world around us.

The vision - let's clarify

Two Rabbits, LLC is formed. An Oregon Limited Liability Corporation is registered in my name. It may not be much, but it felt good to make it. I actually completed the registration a few weeks ago, and since I've been thinking about what I want it to be. I talked about some of my vision in an earlier blog, but I keep thinking about structure, activity, etc. It occurs to me that this business need only be what I want it to be.

Do you know that people could not understand how a textile manufacturer could own such disparate businesses? They all wondered what it meant for the textile manufacturer itself to be sold, while the business keeps the original name? How could a business just OWN businesses in completely different fields - get into insurance, candy, prefabricated houses, carbonated sugar water, furniture, jewelry... the list goes on. Warren Buffett is not ordinary - he followed the path that felt right to him. It occurred to me while meditating on Berkshire Hathaway that my business does not need to be defined right now - at least not the details.

As for the general philosophy, I imagine it running separate ventures. Some will deal with operations, some will not. I can see it investing. I see it huge. I kept wondering how to deal with the dance aspect, because that is a very real reason for opening it. I want it to support dance in the community. I want to create. I want to create things that are so mind-blowingly beautiful that people come all from all over the world to participate.

I had thought that I would donate profits, maybe start a separate company, maybe a 501(c)3, but then it occurred to me that I want control. I don't want a board that I have to answer to. I just want to create an explosion of whim and creativity, so why not keep everything under the same umbrella? Why not just one company - like Berkshire? It won't make sense to people, but it doesn't need to. Why can't a company be more than we think of a company being? I always thought of businesses being either for-profit OR not-for-profit. This means maximizing resources towards private benefit or towards social benefit, but I want to split it. I want a company that is known for making lots of money, but also one responsible for creating beauty unspeakable. I don't particularly like pigeon-holes, and I don't like bureaucracy. Who's to say a company can't be whatever you want it to be? Maybe there are companies our there like I'm envisioning; I'd be interested to hear from anyone about them.

The basic premise of all this is that capitalism gets a bad rap. I want a business that creates wealth and does cool stuff. Hmm, it occurs to me that maybe Google has beaten me to this premise, and that makes so much sense. This is the new capitalism. It's boring to just rack up wealth. All it means is faster cars and bigger houses (while not bad); this eventually belies a lack of CREATIVITY. That's what it really all comes down to. There's too much wealth and freedom in this country NOT to be wildly creative.

There are so many fun things I want to do.

I'm not finished

What are these things called teachers? Meno asked Socrates whether virtue could be taught; Socrates could only follow the train of thought until virtue could not be defined. But Socrates teaches much when you aren't paying attention. Socrates teaches through examples, while diverting you to paradox. He reminds us what we don't know, while asking us questions about everything we do know. He simultaneously makes us remember and forget - we are humbled and uplifted.

If we listen to his words, we can be deceived into thinking we have learned nothing - he has taught nothing. But this is far from the truth, and I can't quite understand it yet. The best I can describe is that a teacher arises from anything. Indeed the wisest of men seem to find teachers in the most universal and inanimate of objects. When a rock becomes teacher, we must wonder whether we understand the relationship between teacher and student.

Here is my thought: a teacher and student are socially imposed labels. There are certain ornaments, rituals, practices we use to help remind us to stay humble when learning, but these are reminders, not the true state of things. What happens when a teacher and student form a bond? The relationship between teacher and student does not arise in every situation. Often I remain resistant to a teacher, and I never allow them to become my teacher. I select my teachers very carefully, but try to learn from everything. (I know this contradicts my above point, but it's 1:47am. Who cares?)

The bond between teacher and student is such that learning takes place more like osmosis than anything else. A teacher may show steps, may give guidance, but the ultimate transmission happens without words, even without physical presence. This is because the 'transmission' was never a transmission at all, but more like a reminder. True learning must come from within. But the interesting topic for me is the spiritual connection between a teacher and student. I feel this bond with Etienne, and though I've only taken 4 classes from him, those classes were times of heightened experience. Something was transferred to me by way of simply looking at his body. You can't really hear Etienne when he talks in class, so some of this is necessary. But I continue to learn, as I silently contemplate his performance. I remember him sitting next to the guy hooking up his electronic music equipment - mimicking. It was a gesture so full of love. I remember the lights fading, the music dying, and suddenly he leaped into the air - dark skin flying through darkness. And the Landing! OH, it was silent. An explosion brings sound; this was part of my reality. Fireworks, a soda can opening, the tests of the a-bomb: all these demonstrate that sound must come from an explosion, but Etienne broke that rule. He shattered the rules of the universe in front of my very eyes. And suddenly, I was forced to realize that my rules are wrong. He simultaneously shows my ignorance and the way.

This is what a teacher is: a person who enables you, in whatever way, to see past your limited views of reality. But the bond between teacher and student - what is that? I suppose it's really no different from the bond between you and every other individual. It's just that the teacher shows what it can or should be.

To learn is a rebirth. It means to sacrifice a part of ourselves, and necessarily blindly. If we are to learn, we cannot know what we are to learn, and we therefore must do so with faith. Faith, faith, faith is the essence of learning. It is the willingness to release those parts of ourselves that WILL not mix with our new being. True learning must involve fear, or we are not risking the death of a part of ourselves. This is why my learning has been so sporadic through the years. So many years of the country's best education, and what have I learned? I can write these blogs - the words can flow out of me, and I enjoy that. But am I really a changed man due to words? Or is it rather the ideas of Plato, Emerson, and all the others that broke and battered me? I would like to say that we should institutionalize this process of learning, but a part of me says that learning can never be institutionalized. It is something so sporadic and naturally arising nothing can make it happen. We are either deathly afraid of release, or ready to fall. Like lemmings, we plunge into real learning.

Bad Food

I just had the worst food experience ever. I went to Red Robin - a place known for its burgers, and I ordered a burger. It's best to describe my experience in terms of a different experience. I have been eating a farmer's market chicken in the past days, and I find myself imagining its vitality when I eat it. Just like you see/ imagine a vegetable's vitality, I started doing the same with my meat. It improved my eating experience tenfold. Another habit I've taken up is imagining the source of all the ingredients in my dish just before eating. A good practice, I think.

Back to the burger - that burger tasted dead. The meat literally tasted as though there were no vitality, but it was simply a vehicle for protein. It disgusts me more and more as I think about it. I'm only feeling better as I eat some honey and almonds.

It's always struck me as naive to protest against eating animals on moral grounds. As far as I can understand, the argument classifies life and the value therein in completely arbitrary terms. For instance, if something has a face, is it MORE alive? If something has legs, is it more vital than something with roots? Well, the rabbit forages, and the plant leans towards the sun. Maybe these seem drastically different at first glance, but with a closer examination, I don't believe there can be much difference between the experiences of pain, pleasure, sustenance, etc. It's very very easy to forget that we live by consuming life. I remember the day as a child when I really linked the image of a chicken and the shrink-wrapped, boneless, skinless breast in the fridge. It was shocking, nearly scandalous. But this is so much easier to do now. It's simple not to think of a Cheez-it coming from the earth. Who cares where a burger comes from? Jamie Oliver blended a WHOLE chicken in front of kids, and it was disgusting. However, when breaded and fried nearly all of them wanted to eat it.

Our society has chosen mechanization of the food chain for good reason, but it's time to honestly look at that chain and remember one existential fact: we live by killing. Death brings life, and nothing else can.

In some Spanish-speaking regions, a butchering of a pig is called El Sacrificio. It evokes images of Abraham and Isaac, Mary Magdalene, Christ. And isn't that only natural? Christians gain eternal life through eating the body and blood of the Christ. Disturbing? OR life affirming? Is it possible to see the Christ in each bite of food you take? It seems that we have to be connected to the killing in order to do that - of both Christ and the plant/ animal. It seems wiser to me to imagine yourself as the roman guard, stabbing the side of an already dying man. This act of irreverance seems hardly different from eating blindly.

What I feel like we must understand is that if to kill means to live, the act of killing must take on a sacred significance. We should kill with intent, blessing that which yields to us.

This tangent is building into a fever, and I can't sense where it's going. But to kill is to live. To die is to be born, and to be born is necessarily to kill. If we are born with our guilt, it's no true guilt. Original sin must be a fallacy, or simply a teaching technique. It seems to me that the only sin is to be ignorant of our own nature. That has nothing to do with learning, and everything to do with looking. I have to look. I have to find the root. I don't trust what people tell me or imply, unless it's that I am holy and beautiful. Something inside me screams in fits if ever anything else is implied, as though it were an insult against my humanity. So back to killing - I want to kill. Thomas Keller wrote a beautiful passage called "the Importance of Rabbits." It entails the story of him butchering cute baby rabbits. It's a fairly horrid story, but that's what makes it all the more beautiful, as he ends contemplating the fact that he never cooked anything with so much care. This is necessarily our purpose while here - to get in touch with the basis of reality, not to run from it, but to understand and finally embrace.

What is fear? That somehow lies at the root of all our issues. We don't want to look at our food supply, because it makes us killers. We don't want to look at ourselves, because it makes us sinners. But is that not what we are? What's ever wrong with that if it's what we are? The fox fornicates openly - why do we hide? The jaguar kills ruthlessly. People have more insight, so we should be better. I suppose that would be the argument, but I don't trust it. I trust something inside me that calls out to all humanity, "I am a sinner. Place the mark of Cain on my forehead, and protect from my enemies!" I am Abraham, ready to kill his son. I am the bold man returning 10 talents for my master's 1. For what else is there that is not an affront to my sense of being? I can't be small - it's not in my nature, nor in anyone else's. I can't fit into a society that asks me to be all things for it, and in return casts me a pittance. The good servant received 10 cities for his cunning - what is this world that returns me a 401(k) for my soul? What am I but a broke guy ruminating on a chicken?

The teacher and the student change places constantly.

Anything else is aggrandizement or immolation, and neither is possible.

What can we see or acquire but what we are?

By doing his own work he unfolds himself.

With joy and trembling, I read Emerson's words. In this essay, he answers questions that have haunted me for years. He answers more questions and speaks to my innate feelings more than anyone I've ever come across. His words are a beautiful testament to my work. To understand me, understand this.



... A little consideration of what takes place around us every day would
show us that a higher law than that of our will regulates events; that
our painful labors are unnecessary and fruitless; that only in our easy,
simple, spontaneous action are we strong, and by contenting ourselves
with obedience we become divine. Belief and love,--a believing love will
relieve us of a vast load of care. O my brothers, God exists. There is
a soul at the centre of nature and over the will of every man, so
that none of us can wrong the universe. It has so infused its strong
enchantment into nature that we prosper when we accept its advice,
and when we struggle to wound its creatures our hands are glued to our
sides, or they beat our own breasts. The whole course of things goes to
teach us faith. We need only obey. There is guidance for each of us, and
by lowly listening we shall hear the right word. Why need you choose so
painfully your place and occupation and associates and modes of action
and of entertainment? Certainly there is a possible right for you that
precludes the need of balance and wilful election. For you there is a
reality, a fit place and congenial duties. Place yourself in the middle
of the stream of power and wisdom which animates all whom it floats,
and you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect
contentment. Then you put all gainsayers in the wrong. Then you are
the world, the measure of right, of truth, of beauty. If we will not
be mar-plots with our miserable interferences, the work, the society,
letters, arts, science, religion of men would go on far better than
now, and the heaven predicted from the beginning of the world, and still
predicted from the bottom of the heart, would organize itself, as do now
the rose and the air and the sun.

I say, do not choose; but that is a figure of speech by which I would
distinguish what is commonly called choice among men, and which is a
partial act, the choice of the hands, of the eyes, of the appetites, and
not a whole act of the man. But that which I call right or goodness,
is the choice of my constitution; and that which I call heaven, and
inwardly aspire after, is the state or circumstance desirable to my
constitution; and the action which I in all my years tend to do, is the
work for my faculties. We must hold a man amenable to reason for the
choice of his daily craft or profession. It is not an excuse any longer
for his deeds that they are the custom of his trade. What business has
he with an evil trade? Has he not a calling in his character?

Each man has his own vocation. The talent is the call. There is one
direction in which all space is open to him. He has faculties silently
inviting him thither to endless exertion. He is like a ship in a river;
he runs against obstructions on every side but one, on that side all
obstruction is taken away and he sweeps serenely over a deepening
channel into an infinite sea. This talent and this call depend on his
organization, or the mode in which the general soul incarnates itself in
him. He inclines to do something which is easy to him and good when it
is done, but which no other man can do. He has no rival. For the more
truly he consults his own powers, the more difference will his work
exhibit from the work of any other. His ambition is exactly proportioned
to his powers. The height of the pinnacle is determined by the breadth
of the base. Every man has this call of the power to do somewhat unique,
and no man has any other call. The pretence that he has another call, a
summons by name and personal election and outward "signs that mark him
extraordinary, and not in the roll of common men," is fanaticism,
and betrays obtuseness to perceive that there is one mind in all the
individuals, and no respect of persons therein.

By doing his work he makes the need felt which he can supply, and
creates the taste by which he is enjoyed. By doing his own work he
unfolds himself. It is the vice of our public speaking that it has not
abandonment. Somewhere, not only every orator but every man should let
out all the length of all the reins; should find or make a frank and
hearty expression of what force and meaning is in him. The common
experience is that the man fits himself as well as he can to the
customary details of that work or trade he falls into, and tends it as a
dog turns a spit. Then is he a part of the machine he moves; the man is
lost. Until he can manage to communicate himself to others in his full
stature and proportion, he does not yet find his vocation. He must find
in that an outlet for his character, so that he may justify his work to
their eyes. If the labor is mean, let him by his thinking and character
make it liberal. Whatever he knows and thinks, whatever in his
apprehension is worth doing, that let him communicate, or men will never
know and honor him aright. Foolish, whenever you take the meanness
and formality of that thing you do, instead of converting it into the
obedient spiracle of your character and aims...



The full essay can be found under "Spiritual Laws" here http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2944/2944.txt

Creation

I am a creator, like my father above. My medium is my body and mind.

sowing

Every spontaneity is just like this. The seed was sown some time ago, but the time was not ripe; there were no rains. [Later] the time becomes ripe. You are more mature, more experienced, more frustrated with the world - then suddenly, in a certain situation, there are rains and the seed explodes.

Osho [70]

What is the meaning of life?

You mean, what is the purpose for life? It is joy.
What is the reason for life? It is joy.
What is the basis of life? It is freedom.
What is the result of life? It is expansion.
What is the reason you came forth in this physical experience? You wanted more. You wanted more exposure to more opportunity to have more feelings, so the meaning of life... it sounds strange to say it, but the meaning of life is life.

sharp and dull minds

A dull mind sees nothing, and it hacks away at the world, proclaiming, "Look what I did!"

A sharp mind sees everything, and it's clean slice is barely noticed.

The moment between breaths

Well first off, after a wikipedia search, I found a fascinating story behind Osho. I find it a little embarassing that I'm quoting him (Let's just say he got to Oregon before I did), but still, in his words, I find some needed wisdom. He talks about looking at the moment between breaths to find reality - that our awakening comes from witnessing this almost non-existent moment. If we can observe this moment, we can observe all. I'm reminded of Bruce Blair, the Buddhist chaplain at Yale. I was talking to him one night, and he was discussing awareness. As he continued talking, he made a reference as I swallowed in my throat. I didn't even notice myself swallowing at the time, so I was shocked that he would notice such a small detail. Later Bruce told me about long hours of meditation when he would suddenly realize that a candle had gone out while he sat. He asked himself, where was I?

Suddenly tonight, I made sense of my car crash many years ago. Back when I was a sophomore at St. John's, my friend Jessie and I were hit by a big truck. From that moment, something in me changed. I applied to Yale, met Brenda, started dancing like an obsession and spun off onto what felt like a tangential life. I told my friend Simon, at the time, and I felt it for the past years - it was like I stepped onto an express train when I meant to take the local. I just watch those stops whip by. I think I felt like I was on that train until the past summer. It was only then that I began to take some ownership over my life. Before that, I seemed to be getting sucked onto some fatal course.

But back to the car crash - tonight, I understood what happened in those moments. I remember Jessie pulling out into the intersection, and I turned to my right to see the truck coming. I think I said, 'O Jesus' just before the truck hit the engine block in front of my seat. I remember the glass shattering, I remember the spinning, and I remember the most powerful force I had ever felt in my life. We spun and spun, and then it was quiet. Those moments as we spun were the first waking moments in my entire adult life. I remember the sensations, and they were actually beautiful. I saw the world as if in slow motion, and with a clarity that I didn't know was possible. I experienced life like I hadn't for years. As a child, I remember examining things with a tireless fascination. I could sit and meditate with an object for what felt like hours - I poured attention like I've never known in my adult life into the simplest of mechanisms. In these moments, the secrets of the universe unveiled themselves to me, but as I grew older, I took the world for granted. I assumed that I understood all that I had learned. I lost my true awareness. I rediscovered this deep sense of awareness in the brief moments of collision. It was the moment between breaths, when my experience became unfiltered. I saw reality as I'm sure the sages have seen it. Oddly, it's taken me almost four years to understand what happened.

Everything in my life after that crash was a response to that one pure moment, however I didn't really pay attention to what I was doing. I felt like I was spinning for the next two years. How I ended up at one of the most prestigious institutions in the country and hated the academics, I never understood. I couldn't figure out what I was doing there. At the end of my time, I sat in a Vipassana course - a 10 day silent meditation - and it finally occurred to me that I had taken three things from my time at Yale. Dance, meditation, and Aikido. In that moment, I felt that I had found the synthesis of my entire life. I loved both dance and aikido, but I could never find the true link between them. It was only upon beginning my study of meditation that I realized the essence of both of them is awareness.

Now, I'm sitting in Portland stringing together money for my bills. I can't find the heart to practice even one of the three. I seem to do nothing but read. Reading, reading, reading. I read until I'm sick of it. I have the suspicion that I need to get back to my loves. I just realized another thing though. When you're 'lost,' the awareness of your situation becomes oddly sweet. Maybe I am forced to become aware when everything disappears. Maybe this is the meaning of the old phrase that you have to hit bottom to rise back up again.

I bought a mirror the other day. It slipped when I leaned it against my dresser, crushing my jade plant. The plant lost some leaves, and I felt sickened as I threw them into the trash. They felt like flesh. How was I so unaware not to notice that the mirror would slide?

the Bible and Osho

I've had a strong urge to read the Bible recently. I picked up the Gospel of John, and I was shocked (shocked!) at its deep esotericism. This is the message I was meant to understand as a child? No, I believe not. This was the message I was taught not to question. I've been wanting to go back to church recently, but I always felt a deep schism between me and church. There was always a quiet understanding that no one there could answer the questions I wanted to ask. I would scandalize them, and then finally the inevitable response would be to tell me to have faith. He just doesn't have faith, that's why he doesn't understand the message. I think it's a large jumble, and I feel like a madman in church, because no one else is asking the questions that seem so obvious to me. How strange to find such a deeply esoteric message in the Bible, and to think that this is one of the world's most popular religions. Maybe I need to read more to understand; in fact I'm sure that I do, but for now I'm left wondering what everyone globs onto. Is it the miracles? Is it a deep-seated desire for a savior? For someone to take everything off our shoulders? Can we really be Christians and not fully surrender to Christ's example? I have never been able to resolve Christ's words of a rich man not being able to enter heaven with my own life. Until I can find this resolve, I can never be a true Christian. The camp counselors, the preachers, etc. told me that I just needed to "accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and savior..." But what does that even mean?

When looking for the Good Book, I came across a commentary on an ancient tantric text. The book is by Osho, and he speaks in a language I relish.

"To create a doctrine, experience is not needed. Really, on the contrary, the less you know the better because then you can propose a system unhesitatingly. Only a blind man can easily define what light is. When you do not know you are bold. Ignorance is always bold; knowledge hesitates. And the more you know, the more you feel that the ground underneath is dissolving. The more you know, the more you feel how ignorant you are. And those who are really wise, they become ignorant. They become as simple as children, or as simple as idiots."

"Do not create the fallacy that an argumentative mind is an alert mind."

"You can understand sex only if you move in it as a poet moves amidst flowers - only then! If you feel guilty about flowers, you may pass through the garden, but you will pass with closed eyes. And you will be in a hurry, in a deep, mad haste. Somehow you have to go out of the garden. Then how can you be aware?... So tantra says, accept whatsoever you are. You are a great mystery of many multidimensional energies. Accept it, and move with every energy with deep sensitivity, with awareness, with love, with understanding."

"Love is being totally open, vulnerable. It is dangerous, you become insecure. We cannot ask how to love, we cannot ask how to surrender. It happens! Love happens, surrender happens. Love and surrender are deeply one. But what is it? And if we cannot know how to surrender, at least we can know how we are maintaining ourselves, how we are preventing ourselves from surrendering. that can be known and that is helpful.. How is it that you have not surrendered yet? What is your technique of nonsurrendering? If you have not fallen in love yet, then the real problem is not how to love. The real problem is to dig deep to find out how you have lived without love, what is your trick, what is your technique, what is your structure - your defense structure, how you have lived without love. That can be understood, and that should be understood."

Osho

Preachers go on preaching. They go on telling people, "Don't be angry," without giving any technique. And we have heard this teaching for so long that we never even raise the question: "What are you saying? I am angry and you simply say, 'Don't be angry.' How is this possible? When I am angry it means 'I' am anger, and you just tell me, 'Don't be angry.' So I can only suppress myself."

But that will create more anger. That will create guilt - because if I try to change and cannot change myself, that creates inferiority. It gives me a feeling of guilt, that I am incapable, I cannot win over my anger. No one can win! You need certain weapons, you need certain techniques, because your anger is just an indication of a disturbed mind. Change the disturbed mind and the indication will change. Anger is just showing what is within. Change the within and the without will change.

!

http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

Niccolo

All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer.

- The Prince

ECBF team practices are going well.

We met as a team again, and though there is much to do, and we will not be as ready as we would like in two weeks, we are working well together. Spirits are high, and we're having fun. This was my goal in doing the group, so whenever I get stressed about the work left, I remind myself that we are indeed winning.

Now, I'm fairly exhausted with a good bit of work to do. I gave the world a nod as Derek Zoolander last night, and danced a little more than I should have on my weak hip. Today, I feel wiped out.

Thinking and Crashing

I'm thinking a lot, maybe too much. Or at least, maybe I'm disregarding the present for the sake of my thoughts which may not always be sensible. Today I was zipping across Portland traffic - something that has become too much of a habit when on my bike - and i planted my front wheel into a light rail depression. Sprawled on the asphalt, and in the subsequent moments sitting on a wall, I realized that I'm not paying attention. My whole being is going into creating my reality into the thing that I most want, and I'm losing myself in that. I'm forgetting the obvious.

I had a session of body work with my friend Laura who is studying Aston Patterning. That was a good moment to sit and think about myself for a little while. I am not giving my mind the time it needs to recharge - the same thing I was doing to my body a few months ago. SO for the rest of the evening, I took some time to sit in a hot spa with a friend. Later I took a little bike ride meditating on many mantras or affirmations. I'm reading a book called Modern Day Miracles (i don't like the word miracle, but I'll get into it later.) It is essentially filled with testimonies of people who have been helped by the work of Louise Hay, changing their mental states to achieve health or whatever else they wanted.

So I went bike riding, and yes, I fear that my friends will think I've gone hippie (Kelly.), but I spent a long time repeating things like: I love myself. I love my smile. I am a magnet of wealth. I am open to change and movement. I love feeling the movement of my body. And my favorite: I release the need to hold tension in my body. It's fascinating to watch yourself be unable to say certain things. At first you tell yourself, I don't feel like saying that. Then maybe you make yourself, but the words won't come out. Then the words come out, but your voice wavers. Then you ask yourself what's making it waver. Then you take that thought and plaster the nearest building with it, watching it ooze down, as you keep riding down the street. And finally you say the thought again. And finally, I can say it.

Forwarded along by way of Simon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8mSeA29vdU

Expect miracles.

How does one devote their life to dance? It's a difficult question for many of us, as there exists no infrastructure dedicated to partner dancing. Many people choose their careers or paths, and there are set roads to follow. The differences mostly have to do with how hard you work and what your final intentions are. I think it's the same for me, but I lie in uncharted territory. There are very few partner dancers making a good living from their passion. I've come to realize that being a teacher of partner dance is not what I want to do right now. Put simply, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of sweat and not much payback. I'm hoping to create something on a large scale, so I'll just go ahead and lay out what I'm planning to do.

I don't really want to teach classes and workshops. I think that takes far more love than I have in me right now. Well, that is, to do it well. So that leaves me looking for a "muse" as Timothy Ferriss would call it, or actually a job that returns quite a bit of money and freedom to continue to dance. I'm not going to get into my businesses yet. Soon. But not yet.

It's better to start here, because this is where I started. First I created the idea of the end goal.

My goal is to have a business that is bringing in a fair amount of money. I intend to continue teaching private lessons in Portland as long as I'm here, and my rate will remain at a minimum of $20/ hour. This will allow anyone who wants to study the means to do so. I intend for my job to cover my living expenses, training expenses, and a few other things. After that I will take 20% of my post-tax income and dedicate it to a dance fund. This fund may eventually turn into a non-profit, and the intention is to promote dance in the Portland area. This means putting on workshops, dances, performances - anything that will promote dance - and using that money as a safety net. This way I will be able to put on the workshops that I want to without worrying about ultimate profit or loss. I will also be using these opportunities to study with all the teachers I bring to the area. This way I continue to build my skill.

After a few years in Portland, during which time I'll be training and working on my fundamentals of dance, I'll be ready to travel and study seriously. This means that the business will need to run itself, or I will sell my share of it. I will probably keep the dance fund going with a board or something. Essentially, it will be my time to travel the world retracing the African diaspora. Latin America, Europe, the Mississippi Delta, Africa. I plan to go on a world tour dancing until I'm ready to stop.

My family loves to ask me if I'm still planning to go to law school. My best guess is that I'll go around this time (let's guess I'm late 30s- 40 now). I want to go to Yale, so I'm already studying languages and thinking of things that will look good on an application.

After that, I think I'll be ready to really go after my goals. I was talking to Steve one day, and he asked me what I would do if I could do anything. I avoided responding, saying, "No, it's too big." Steve responded, "What if you were put on Earth to accomplish it?" I know I blogged about this already, but that floored me. In an instant, my sight cleared and I latched onto the idea. I want to create a dance center - the world's biggest and greatest. The model for this center will be based on many of the places I've been. It will have stages, studios, living quarters, kitchens, recreational space. It will be more like a University than anything else. It will have amazing food and quiet spaces like you would find in a meditation center. It will have quads and dorms like a University. It will offer students the ability to come and stay in exchange for work study. And it will attract the best talent in the world.

In an age of increased globalization and transfer of wealth - when America is bound to become relatively poorer - it will have an international focus - inciting the true disciples of dance to come study. It will become a place like Taize - behemoth - bigger and more powerful than anyone could have imagined.

Stoke the Fire, and it can only grow.

I went to Etienne's class on Friday. In the warmups, he had us stretching our arms a lot. At one point we had our arms stretched wide as we balanced on one leg, with our bodies perpendicular to our standing leg. He kept saying, "Breathe, breathe, breathe," as though it were the most important thing for us to hear. He smiled as we struggled, and gave us little pieces of encouragement or advice. It reminded me of an old workout class I used to attend at St. John's. The Iron Bookworm workout run by Mr. Venkatesh. It was essentially 20-30 people getting pushed harder than anyone could imagine to do pushups, sit-ups, handstands, squats, etc. It was run by Mr. Venkatesh, a faculty member, who had the awe-inspiring ability to do all the exercises harder, faster, and longer than any of us. He always encouraged us with a smile and a quiet, "Don't give up." He had charisma that made you just want to follow him.

Etienne does not have quite the same presence. He is so soft-spoken one can hardly understand him, but he always presents a smile and a clear demonstration of the movement. I suppose it's his smile that makes everyone follow him. Many times in class, the students will be chatting away as he explains something. I imagine only a handful of us are trying to really hear him, but when the dance begins, everyone instantly falls into line. To me, this is the sign of real work being done. Though chatting may ring through the class, no one misses the opportunity to follow Etienne. I've found myself drooping in daily life. It's hard to stand up, as I watch my finances drain. It makes one feel inadequate. But whenever I am in his class, I stand perfectly upright. I feel my whole body and am able to dance well. It is inspiring in the purest sense - it is a room full of love.

At one point in the class, he stopped everyone and said that we were letting our energy drop. He said, "When I dance I don't get tired. I might moan a little, but once the music comes on, the energy only builds on itself. If you add more wood to the fire, it doesn't get smaller."

I am amazed that there are only ever 1 or 2 men in his classes. In all African classes, I've been in, there have been more women than men, but Etienne presents such a clear example of masculine movement, I cannot understand where all the other guys are. Does no one see what I see?

What is a foodie?

"Although the two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, foodies differ from gourmets in that gourmets are epicures of refined taste who may or may not be professionals in the food industry, whereas foodies are amateurs who simply love food for consumption, study, preparation, and news.[1] Gourmets simply want to eat the best food, whereas foodies want to learn everything about food, both the best and the ordinary, and about the science, industry, and personalities surrounding food."

Maybe I am a "foodie," but I don't like the word. I don't often eat at restaurants. I don't prepare fancy dishes. The majority of what I eat is what anyone in the history of humanity would eat. Some of my cooking varies, because I can get certain prepared products, but I rarely use them. (Nutella is my latest exception.) I cook almost everything from whole foods. And all I normally use is salt and some vinegar. I did vary from this recently - making a ratatouille with some cumin and nutmeg. But really, what does it say about how far we've come if someone who eats extremely conservatively (by historical standards) needs a label? Most of the time "foodie" gets associated with someone who is checking out all the new trends in restaurants, etc. Though this used to be me, I am very far from that now. I cook for health, hunger, and particular cravings.

I will maintain from direct experience that concern about what you eat is the first step towards health. That means to "love food for consumption, study, preparation, and news." So really, what is a foodie? The word in and of itself implies agreement with Michael Pollan's definition of "food," as that which your great-grandmother would recognize as food. That is to say, anything that remains unprocessed. Maybe a "foodie" is just someone who understands that the craft of cooking infuses food with something greater than itself, and when we relegate that task to the unsupervised work of machines, we are left with less than we started with. (Not to mention that we're all getting heart disease and cancer.)

I am healthier than I've ever been, and I'm getting healthier. It makes me realize that learning HOW to eat has been the first great test on my path. It's rather humbling to think that my path will necessarily contain many more unforeseen stages. This process of learning to dance seems long.

Oh, and I'm making pumpkin pie from scratch.

The Fall Market

Today I was downtown spying. Rather, you might say I was doing research, but I think I may have located my two spots for my businesses. Yes, plural. I'll fill in details later, and you will understand why I haven't been blogging.

I saw a girl ride a bike past me with kale sprouting out the top. As I had looked like that on Monday, I knew what it meant. The farmer's market.. of course, the Wednesday market I always forget about. I stopped by, took a look, and realized that I would need more money. After a quick run by Bank of America, I was funded and ready. Somehow every time I've gone to a farmer's market this fall, I leave with pounds and pounds of produce. Disregarding the impossible logistics of fitting pounds of produce into my tiny satchel, today was no different. It is approaching the end of the really good season for chanterelles. You will be able to obtain them until December, but as the rain comes, you end up paying for water weight. Now they are beautiful, dry, and orange. I bought 6 pounds at just under $7/ lb. Not bad. They will get frozen in small batches alongside my green chiles. I also got this crazy mushroom that could pass for an albino hamster. I don't remember what it's called, or I'd post a link, but they were $15/ lb.

I also left with a new variety of tomato, some Italian heirloom sweet peppers, and a few onions (currently simmering). I bought a purple, jumbo Italian artichoke which is begging to be eaten soon. 5 pounds of dry pinto beans (in order to can refried beans for the winter), and a dozen multi-colored eggs. Nothing makes me happier. OH i almost forgot - a pie pumpkin (you can imagine the purpose). I've been going to a market every other day, which is very worthwhile because i've stocked up on plenty of food to can and freeze. The markets will mostly be ending at the end of the month, but the main ones will go to until December. That surplus of late summer food (who still wants to eat a raw tomato?) means CHEAP produce. And trust me, this produce makes Whole Foods look sad. My cellar is getting piled high.

I've been riding my bike a lot, which is getting me in shape to sell my car. Yes, I talked about it when I arrived in Portland, and it's finally going to happen. The fact of the matter is that I can hardly pay my bills anymore, and a minimum wage job in a restaurant seems terrible. So now, I'm going to get a little capital to fund my projects and living expenses.

I went on a conscientious bike ride the other night. I was leaving a friend's house and decided on a whim to ride up Mt. Tabor (6 miles or so). I did the whole thing very slowly and in a very low gear. I focused on the spin of my legs and keeping my knees under control. By the end of the ride, I was finally locating this internal gluteal muscle I've been trying to find to support my turnout.

Sporadic, but still practicing

Sorry that my blog entries are getting more sporadic. If any of you are reading this regularly, I imagine that is not ideal.

Well, I've been practicing for ECBF. Drew and I spent the weekend melding, or whatever you might call it. We are working our body action and rhythms intensely - matching up so that we start and finish our steps at the same time. We're also drilling different turn patterns, etc and looking at old competitions to make predictions about music and our competitors. Monica is coming to the NW to visit next weekend, and we'll be in Seattle for a few days, then back to PDX. So no practice scheduled for next week, but we have the same regimen planned for the following weekend.

The team is finally coming together, which is great to see. We got everyone will probably be representing Portland in the city competition into one room. We started talking about competition concepts (which we can only speculate on) and practicing little choregraphies. The best thing about the team is that we have really started working like a team. People get excited, and there's not really a clear leader, but everyone is participating and engaged. This was my goal for the competition, so it seems to be working. We'll probably plan an exhibition at Tuesday Blues to show the community what we're up to, and work out our nerves.

As for other things, yes, business planning is time-consuming. Yes, I'm continuing.

And I now have 3 varietals of applesauce canned for the winter.

From the pages of Hill

The majority of people, if asked what they fear most, would reply, "I fear nothing." The reply would be inaccurate, because few people realize that they are bound, handicapped, whipped spiritually and physically through some form of fear. So subtle and deeply seated is the emotion of fear that one may go through life burdened with it, never recognizing its presence. Only a courageous analysis will disclose the presence of this universal enemy.

Dead Ends

I drove up to Seattle during Portland tango fest in order to choreograph with Topher and Karissa. I also went for Etienne's class on Friday night. When I arrived at the dance class (just in time from Portland), no one was there except my friend Heather who I was staying with. So we chalked it as a loss, cooked some dinner, and watched a movie. The next day I had been talking about going to a clothing sale by the brand Filson, but the logistics ended up not working. Finally by the end of the day, after working on the choreography and getting acupuncture, Topher got back from work late and decided to back out of the choreography. I understand, because his life and work are crazy right now. I'm not upset at all the happenings, but it was funny that everywhere I turned was a dead end. In the midst of it all, the rain descended upon the northwest.

What did happen this weekend, however, was that I picked up the book, Heal Your Body by Louise Hay. It's a very small book dedicated to the premise that illness is first and foremost composed of mentally hindering thoughts. The book is full of affirmations designed to help heal different symptoms in your body. Her first book was written about her experiences healing her own cancer.

The book is much like Steve's treatment that I wrote about before - it's about redefining the way you see the world. Whatever happened this weekend, it felt really good to be in rainy Seattle and thinking about these ideas. I started analyzing my own thoughts pertaining to myself, finances, dance community, attitudes, etc. Just walking around, I started to locate the root of the bad thoughts in my mind. I would use imagery to rid myself of them. I particularly like the image of throwing the issue onto something I'm passing. Sometimes it looks like a giant splatter of paint. Sometimes it looks like a Big Gulp flying out my car window. Sometimes (but I'm trying to stop that one...) it's spit. I watch the issue fly away, and then sometimes i watch it in my mind as it recedes into the background - left for someone else to clean up. It's amusing to watch all the buildings, cars, and sidewalks littered with my issues. After clearing myself out, I choose empowering thoughts and beliefs that will help me. And I meditate on them for a few moments.

Now that I think about it, everyone has told me to do this - change my mental language in order to change my experience - Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Tony Robbins, Steve, even O-sensei in an esoteric way. All of a sudden this weekend, I started applying what I've been reading.

Acupuncture and thinking

I had my first acupuncture session today in Seattle. I was walking around in the rain, and I came across a community acupuncture place and decided to check it out. It kind of freaked me out, and some of the needles hurt a little. But I can say that the energy in my body started to flow like crazy. I could feel it running around all over the place. They said they were treating issues distally - meaning that they would treat the lower back by way of the legs, feet, and hands. I certainly felt more relaxed and calmer after leaving. I'll probably keep trying it in Portland, where community acupuncture seems to be as common as drug stores.

It seems that more often I see people in terms of the energy they have about them. It's like I start seeing people's intentions and thoughts more clearly than their physical actions. And it occurred to me that with any sense of clarity, this is exactly what we should see. The interesting part, however, is that while it seems natural to give commentary and talk about what I think about such and such phenomenon, this actually seems to be an immature response. What does it really accomplish? It makes my ego bigger - I like to think that my ideas are important, but mostly these actions disregard what everyone else is thinking. Abraham Lincoln used to write letters to people and never send them. They were meant to clarify his own feelings about a situation, but he understood that it was never his place to change someone. He acted like this dealing with general after general who would not end the war. I am reminded of the people I have been most awed by - they are always quiet, humble, and they seem to notice everything. But they are not filled with a sense of self-importance that makes them share their thoughts all the time. They simply see and accept.

I've been writing emails and deleting them. I used to send all my emails, but now sometimes I save them and wait a day. Upon re-reading them, I try to determine if my words will have any consequence beyond satisfying my ego. I think this is a sign that I'm maturing. Maybe one day I won't even think the unhelpful thoughts.

the social network

It's a great movie. I just saw it for the second time. I keep doing that - seeing movies multiple times in the theater. Up In the Air, Avatar, Social Network. It seems like these movies all speak to the times, and if anything I'm connected to the times. I want to dress like the times; I want to dance like the times; I want to look at art of the times. I seem to be caught up in some sort of wheel of the world, and I only seem to be getting deeper. Would it sound pompous to say the course of my life sometimes feels inevitable? Sometimes I think think it does, but other times I feel like with awareness and connection to my surroundings, I can indeed shape my circumstances however I see fit.

As for my life and my business, I am plotting every move. I've been researching tax structures and laws, writing a business plan, doing pedestrian research, and yet... I still am aiming 20 years down the road. It's funny how all this fits together. A few weeks back I was blogging about a Nissan GTR, but now that I'm in the thick of planning the business, I'm not dying to have that steering wheel in my hands. I'm almost indifferent, but the image still sits in the back of my mind. It's like in the past weeks I did exactly what Tony Robbins suggests and found myself a desire worthy of motivation. Now, it seems, I have sublimated that desire, and forgot about it.

I keep thinking back to the car crash I was in during my sophomore year of college. A few days later, I started applying to Yale, and before I knew what had happened I was in New Haven. I told my friend Simon that it felt like I accidentally got on the express train when I wanted the local. Yale thoroughly humbled me - as I dragged my feet for two long years- but I learned to sit, and I was introduced to O-sensei. Three and a half years have passed since that car crash, and now we'll see what's really to come of it.

ECBF team and rhythm

We had an hour long meeting tonight about the ECBF team. We will represent Portland at the Seattle competitions. We laid out groundrules, and when we will have our final selection. It was only an hour, but it felt like much longer after a day in business class, a private lesson, and teaching a class with Brenda. Not to mention I was riding my bike everywhere today. But it did feel good to have things worked out, and after doing it, we went out dancing at Duff's. There was good camaraderie, and many of our barriers started to fall.

In other news, I've learned to start taking Brenda's advice that I need to learn to follow. I'm not really following on the floor, but I'm learning to follow the rhythm of more advanced dancers. Technique and rhythm are two very separate things. I'm fairly well-versed in technique, but my rhythm is often amateurish. Fortunately, I have begun to realize that many other people are well-versed in rhythm though not so far along with their technique. This has allowed me to have dances where I am actually learning from a "beginner." I don't mean in some esoteric way. I'm actually learning timing from the follows.

Brilliant.

FLATTOP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGvxSZRVA3M


In LA, I went to see a dancer who my old friend Simon had recommended. His name is Flattop, and he was supposedly one of the originators of the poppin' and lockin' style of dance. He performs at Universal City Walk for cash. He is very much an entertainer: mimicking the audience, cracking all sorts of jokes. His dance is magical to watch. It's clear that 15 odd years of dancing on concrete has taken a toll on his knees and hips, but his upper body moves with a clarity and presence I have not seen in many dancers. He moves with crystal clear precision. Slow motion to sharp, distinct movements ripple through his body. When I saw Etienne perform, he did many similar movements. Etienne's technique and range of motion are superior, but Flattop lives and breathes his style of dance (This is not to say that Etienne doesn't...).

Watching him dance to really funky music makes me want to take more hip hop classes. Speaking of classes, the fall is finally starting, and I feel like I should be getting back into my dance routine. Really though, I feel busy from the prospect of getting a cart functional, my Persian class, and the many parts of planning for ECBF. I feel like I'm straying from my goals, and then I look on Facebook and see that Joe and Elena are practicing 4 hours in one session. Agh.

Reflections on the return training

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. It's not that things haven't been happening, but rather that too much has been happening. The return training happened and passed. I went to LA this past weekend, and I'm currently on the flight returning home.

I hardly know where to start, but I should talk about the return training. On Day 1, Brenda and Barry sat everyone down and essentially told us that we weren't working hard enough. It was a talk that was meant to motivate, but I didn't agree with their sentiments. I had thought that we were working very hard, and that we stayed very focused. I need to explain a little. Barry and Brenda have both spent a large majority of their lives training in dance. They will both admit that they have spent hours and hours – beyond what would be considered healthy or rational to most people – training in their art. They want to bring some of that intensity and dedication to the blues community. They want to motivate us in order to take our dancing to the next level. The difference between our two thoughts was that Brenda and Barry wanted us to be silent, focused disciples, and I am of the mindset that a little laughter and moments of release do not take away from the experience of training.

My summer was spent learning what it means to relax. In the meantime, I have further clarified my views on training. I believe that training must be undertaken with a spirit of love and happiness - a state that arises from relaxation. There can be no sense of self-immolation. In the past, I thought that if I pushed as hard as possible, I would reach my goals. This meant long hours of, essentially, self-punishment. I was completely obsessed with the idea of who or what I should be, and in viewing my training this way, I ceased loving myself. I only saw my flaws. I was consumed by my ideas of what should be, rather than being able to relax and deal with my body as it is. Monica has described the philosophy of John Wooden as that of developing love for practice in and of itself. I believe this is a healthy view of training – to find satisfaction in one's own situation.

Why do I say this? Why is it necessary to love your training? I think it's because training is not the process of shaping your technique - it's the process of shaping yourself. When I spend hours and hours disregarding what my body and mind tell me – when I lose touch with myself – somehow I lose the connection with my spirit. Dance (or anything) is not a physical experience. Any great action must originate in the spirit. We must learn to trust that part of us that is connected to something greater. Our spirit must dictate our movements, and we must love every moment. In order to take my dance where I want to take it, my spirit must be unified. I must be able to put all my joy and resolve into every movement.

The morning after the talk, I walked out of the training. I thought I could deal with everything Barry and Brenda had said, but I felt like I needed to resolve myself before continuing to train. I respectfully told them my views, and they respectfully told me theirs. I quietly came to the understanding that we have a deep philosophical schism lying between us, and I stepped outside, realizing what I needed to do. I walked down the street, read some poetry in a window, and then cast the strongest of mental resolves to no longer be drawn into their philosophy. For the first time in over three years, I parted ways with Brenda as my mentor. This was a really sad thing for me to do. It's a very strange thing to come to the realization that you don't agree with your teacher. It's much like the moment when you realize your parents are just as human as you.

Return training begins tomorrow

Barry and Brenda are hosting a return training this weekend, and it's looking to be the biggest one yet. People from all over are showing up, and it will be good for both Barry and Brenda to make some money. I'm busy preparing myself for the weekend - cooking enough pork and brownies to last me. The farmer's markets are booming - it's the glut of the season. there's lots of tomatoes, squash, eggplants, and peppers. I'm taking advantage of it all. I bought 35 lbs of organic tomatoes for $25 yesterday! I'll be canning them as sauce after the weekend. I also plan to stock up on green chiles (which I will roast and freeze) and hazelnuts before the market closes. I realized that it is an excursion to go to the grocery store now. Mostly I shop at the coop or the farmer's market. Occasionally there is something I need like a big pork shoulder (the coop is vegetarian), but I've really been surviving from local farmers. It feels good.

I worked with Barry and Drew today - we are working on fairly advanced turning concepts.

Mostly, however, I am thinking about business, and that's why I'm posting so little. I danced lindy hop last night, but I don't feel like I have anything particular to report. I'm working on my swing out, and it's pretty much all i did last night. But really, the business is consuming me. Well that, and those little notes the IRS loves to send me (I must have some friends there.) I think I'm going to name my company Two Rabbit, LLC. There is no reason but for me liking the sound of it. Maybe it comes from Alice in Wonderland?

I plan to spend next week doing research on a coffee bike. yes, I have purchased a Mexican cargo bike that I intend to turn into a badass little coffee cart. I'll most likely be serving pourover coffee and almond/ orange biscotti. This will allow me to get into business quickly, while I am prepping my other food cart. I've been plugging numbers into some business plan software, and I'm realizing just how much money I need. And well, let's put it simply, if the IRS has their way with me, and I want to get this bike off the ground, it better happen before November's rent is due...

What does Hafez have to do with a sports car?

My life is currently in a place that feels unresolved. There seem to be many loose ends that I instinctively know will be connected into one beautiful knot, but I don't quite see how. This is where I'm at, and I know it's fragmented:

1) Drew and I had a lesson with Barry on Friday. We flew through many techniques, refining our turns and rhythms. I realized that although I have spent nearly a year practicing flight/ swing and pulse within my body, I've been doing it in the wrong order... It can basically be reduced to lack of awareness in the movement of my hips. I'm still moving my pelvic regions as a big block, and not isolating the little movements that need to happen within. Of course, within a moment Barry pointed this out, and Drew and I both started to work on it. We continue to practice dancing to live music and practicing alone to prepare for ECBF.

There is a dance training coming up this next weekend. It's another Barry and Brenda affair, and it's open only to return participants, so I expect it to cover some advanced topics. It will be the last good opportunity to create an image of where I need to go before the competitions in November.

2) I've been taking business classes through SCORE - the small business association. They are half-day or full-day affairs, covering topics such as creating a business plan, basic accounting and bookkeeping, legal responsibilities, and simply what it takes to run a business. Much of my last days have still been spent creating the image of my cart business. Benji and I are working on recipes, and considering what price points we want to hit. The next stages involve getting working recipes prepared, writing a business plan, beginning to work on a cart design, applying for business license and sidewalk permits, getting insurance, meeting with attorneys and CPAs, laying out financial structures, finding commissary space to cook, and storage space for inventory and the cart. Of course this doesn't include finding suppliers, locating the money to fund the project, and generally trying to stay healthy while getting all this done.

3) Some days I wonder if the business is really a good way to achieve my goals. Should I not just go find a job in a restaurant, and eek out a living while dancing whenever possible? The answer is no, though it is tempting to forget all the demands of opening your own business. I have to consider that at the end of the day, when the business can essentially run itself, the free time and financial opportunities will provide me with the ability to achieve my long-term goals. Working in a restaurant would force me to sacrifice some of those goals for the ability to dance more NOW and having to deal with less responsibility, but when I am honest about what I want out of life, I realize that I am not happy as a laborer. I want to write my own paychecks. I want that for the sake of security, freedom, and pride.

So I went walking again last night letting my goals fly through my head. Images of the future. I'm fascinated by rappers' accounts of their lives. They seem to talk about the struggles involved with "making it" more than other artists. A line from Kanye West's "the good life" is here: "I always had a passion for flashing' before I had it/ I close my eyes and imagine, the good life." One of Kanye's tweets said this: "I used to go to the Bang & Olufsen store and just stare at the TVs and speakers, that store was one of my main inspirations." That may sound trite and materialistic, but it actually speaks to the way I now view the world. If the world is nothing but all sorts of energy flying around, desire is similarly a form of energy. I view my financial goals not as end points, but as proofs that I can manifest things in my world. With focus and determination, I believe I can manifest this good life.

Last night, while walking around, I realized that I have begun to imagine a Nissan GTR sitting on the sidewalk beckoning me to get in. Every time I leave my house, I see it parked on the sidewalk out front. Walking down the street, it seems to be waiting for me around every corner. It's admittedly kind of weird, but it looks so real and it functions as a serious source of motivation. Tony Robbins encourages us to "awaken the giant within" by finding goals that are worthy of us - these are goals that incite us to action. So I want a really fast car, and you may conclude many different things from this, but the way I feel about it is that that car is the last thing I will buy. I'm not crazy. That car represents icing on the cake - it means that my financial concerns will be met, and only then will I own it. And that is a goal worth striving for.

4) I'm looking for mentors and inspiration. I am most impressed with two professionals in the world - Thomas Keller and Warren Buffett. So today I started writing Keller a letter. I'm still working out what I want to say, but it's full of admiration and a request for advice. I've given up my dream of working for these two men - their path is not mine, but they continually inspire me with their foresight and dedication to their crafts.

5) Lastly, I signed up for a class at PSU. My mom is kindly helping me with the tuition, or I wouldn't be able to afford it. I was on the fence between Korean and Persian. Both are languages of national concern, and both are non-romance languages - factors in my decision. The final decision came down to this - do I want to speak Korean in order to travel to Korea while teaching and dancing (yes), or do I want to study Persian, being unable to even travel extensively in Iran. The obvious solution seemed to be Korean, but the more I considered it, the more I found my heart to be with Persian. I love the poet Hafez, not to even mention Rumi, and one day I read that the two top-selling books in Iran (in order) are the complete works of Hafez and the Qur'an. My images of Iran come mostly from the news, public policy, and talk about nuclear proliferation. The stereotypes I had built into my head were far from the joyful and drunken spirituality of Hafez. I knew that I wanted to study the language, if only to understand a little of his poetry and this "rogue" Islamic state. So that's where I am, dreaming of sports cars and choosing aesthetics over professionalism.

Working and new goals with Moshe (but mostly a long tangent)

Benji and I worked today - meaning that we tasted and tested pretzels and hot chocolate and chai. We found the secret killer ingredient for our pretzel dough, and I am well pleased. We are now producing a product worthy of commercial production.

In other news, I taught a private lesson. It's been a while since I've done that! And then I had a good night dancing with Drew at Duff's. My goal over the next months, while practicing my blues dance, is to do one Feldenkrais class a day. They have free podcasts at openatm.org. An invaluable resource. Word to the internet!

*Side note: The phrase "word" derives from the earlier expression in street slang: "Word is bond." This phrase is biblical in its etymology (My word is my bond.). I propose that the meaning of "word to your mother" should be taken in this sense, as an oath to one's mother. An oath that shouldn't be broken. If that meaning is true, my above phrase has no real meaning, but alas...

openatm.org is a useful site.


The following explanation seems to explain the phrase a little better, yet now I wonder if "word is bond" is even related.


**Taken from urbandictionary.com -- "Word to your Mother"

An anachronistic corruption of the phrase "word to the mother", which was a popular reference to Africa or "The Motherland" during the late 1980s Afrocentric movement. While the replacement of "the" with "your" effectively obliterated the term's Afrocentric roots, it continued to be used in the same manner, that is, to express agreement. Alternatively, the "your" could take on sinister connotations, implying that speaker was sexually intimate with the listener's mother, as in "say hi to your mom for me", or, in keeping with the whack terminology, "props to your mom, she's da bomb". Finally, the phrase might mean nothing at all, and be used to ineptly feign street cred, in the style of Vanilla Ice.
Jeff - "Given the uncertainty of today's market, I'm strongly considering increasing my portfolio's share of treasury bills."
Greg - "Word to your mother."

the extension of my arms

Normally, as things change in my body, I hardly notice the differences. It takes a lot of meditation and self-awareness to see the distinctions between today and yesterday. Mostly I am just ever-present (or maybe not present) in the moment that's happening. I tend to see things as they are not, rather than how they are, or even how I would have them. This is probably the real issue: I see my body in terms of comparison rather than for what it is. The consequence of this is that I never really see my body.

I was looking at my arms extend in the mirror today, and like always, I can't really see the difference between now and then. But I have noticed that I like the extension of my arms. I used to think they were too long, and maybe that is why I chronically shortened them. "Chicken wings" as Brenda would say. Now, I think it's beautiful to watch them extend. I've learned to stop clenching my shoulders when I lift my arms - further lengthening my extension, and making my shoulders appear more defined. More and more, my body is becoming a place I like to be. It's not always that, but speaking historically, this is quite a feat.

Lately, I feel strong.

an improv performance, dancing to soul, and William Blake

Last night was a long night. It was a night like you can only have in a major metropolitan center, full of dancing, art, and booze that goes into the wee hours of the night. Early in the night, I went to a performance with 8 dancers and 8 musicians. Names were drawn from a hat, one by one, and dancers would perform to whatever music was played. It was fascinating to watch - sometimes a little disturbing as well. Some of the performances were not what I would term "dance." I say that because some of them were antagonistic or full of self-loathing. Some were antagonistic towards the musicians. Much of this music was not traditional, and some of the dancers seemed to rail against what they were thrown into with their very soul. It was not until Etienne came to the stage that calm and peace reigned supreme. He was paired with a guy doing a sort of minimalist, mixed electronica. There were long pauses and moments of silence. Etienne filled these moments with his own movement and rhythms, but eventually came to a point where he was just waiting for the music to begin again. He knelt down next to the musician, and while watching so carefully, he mimicked all of the musicians movements with a tenderness that one can hardly understand in a jaded, post-modern society. Once the music began again, he was in his own element. The musician laid down a heavy drum line, and Etienne's African background was given room to shine. Pulsing, turning, balancing. His body turned into radiating muscles and dark skin. He leaped into the air, landing in silence. He balanced in arabesque. He let ripples flow through his body that would awe any hip hop dancer. He communed with the musician in a spirit of cooperation and respect that elevated both their arts.

I have been looking for a passage I came across in Eat, Pray, Love. If anyone has read the book and knows where it is, please let me know. the narrator is talking about the goal of any person being to tame the ego in order to get out of the way. It is to say that with all our fears, neuroses, and obsessions, we get in the way of the natural order. We slow everything and everybody down. We fixate on the "I," and in this we are limited and caught within our own perspective of what is possible. (Some of this is my own elaboration.) This is reminiscent of my little breakthrough with my arms and shoulders. When I dance with someone, I am often caught up in my own ideas of "leading" my partner. This means that I create my lead from my arms and shoulders, creating unnecessary tension within. Although this often feels like the only way to lead someone else, there is a much more powerful and clearer way to lead. In this I let my arms connect to the rhythm of my body, allowing for more freedom of expression in both partners. This tension is analogous to the dancers in the performance. It is only once we can sit quietly and calmly, at peace with ourselves, that we are able to express something greater than ourselves. Otherwise, we are only caught up in our own shit - expressing something indeed, albeit not necessarily something uplifting.


Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare He aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand, what dread feet!

What the hammer! What the chain!
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil! What dread grasp
Dare it's deadly terrors clasp?

And when the stars threw down their spears
And watered heav'n with their spears
Did He smile His work to see,
Did he who made the lamb make thee!

Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

breakthrough

Ok, I'm going to write another post. Riddle me this: it is always after something that gets me feeling really good energy that I have a dance breakthrough. i stayed too long at the blues dance tonight. I knew the moment I should have left, when my knee started to bug me. But I had just started to have a breakthrough - I let go in my shoulders and arms. I stopped trying to "lead" my partner, and just let my body move. I've understood intellectually that this is the way we should dance, but I really started to do it tonight.

Nice.

my heart is bursting

My heart is so full. I worked hard today with Benji – brainstorming, planning, thinking. We are both in Seattle, and he met me to look through cookbooks and talk logistics. We tried some of the best chai and hot chocolate around. We talked and talked. When he started to feel sick, I dropped him off and napped in a park. Then I headed to the U District to an African dance class I wanted to take. I arrived a little late and caught the end of the warm up. The class is taught by Etienne Cakpo from Benin. A while back, I had heard of him from Brenda, but I hadn't ever made the time to attend a class. One day, I was talking about Al Minns (a favorite old-time dancer of mine), and Brenda said, “You know, Etienne is better.” Better, I thought? Really? So I checked the guy out on youtube. He seemed to dance a different style of African dance than I was used to – it was full of undulations and smooth... like Al Minns. And damn, he might be better. (I don't yet have the eye to tell.)

I went to my first class with him a few weeks back when I was in Seattle, but my legs were tired, my knees were hurting, and my mind wasn't quite in it. Today I felt rested and good, as though the class were a sort of dessert for my day. The class was amazing. I can't hear a thing he says because of the music, his accent, and his soft-spoken nature, but his movements ring so clear. He slows down, he demonstrates, he keeps a close eye on the students. And the room fills with so much love and joy that one almost can't bear it.

In my last class with Etienne, I realized through comparing my body to his, that I was not using my hips as I should. I was closed off and hiding in my pelvis. I finally understood what Brenda and Eric Franklin have been talking about when they say to open the pelvis. I've been trying to focus on that point, but it was only when I noticed Matthew's posture that I connected the pelvic opening with the rest of my posture. I spent the class today applying that structural change, and this means finding the courage to be present in my body. About half way through the class, I realized I was dancing with my pelvis in hiding. I adjusted it, and instantly someone smiled at me, as if to say, “Well, nice to finally see you...” I danced the rest of the class soaking in the good vibes, and finding my joy. This joy gives me the courage to “fill out” my posture. It gives me the courage to be fully present in my body, and start to find the rhythms.

Oh the rhythms... they are so amazing. So simple, but so complex. Etienne's helper started talking to me about the rhythm of one step, and how it was falling “off beat” or rather between the beats. It was very similar to Barry's explanation of “swung time” in jazz. I used to hear Steven Mitchell talk about a similar phenomenon in Ella Fitzgerald's singing: “Listen to Ella, she'll keep you on time...” And here it is again. I don't know what this rhythm thing is all about, but I know it's not found explicitly in the beats. (Interestingly, in swung time the notes always fall very late behind the beat. This rhythm, however, seemed to be early – just before the next beat.)

In Etienne, I have found a teacher. When I first met Brenda, I knew within 10 minutes that I wanted to continue studying under her. There was an immediate feeling of familiarity – that she was teaching things that made complete sense to me. I have found this in Etienne as well. I have met many inspiring teachers with many things to teach, but in Etienne's dance, I see something I want to model myself after.

I was getting out of my car on the way to the class, and wondering whether or not I should change the name of my blog. “Becoming a professional” may be a little misleading if I'm starting to reconsider being a professional dancer. I have spent the last week crunching numbers and talking recipes... Is this reason to change the name? Have I changed my goals? All this talk about finances and work has taken my mind away from dancing, and I felt like maybe I am taking the wrong track and partially abandoning dance. Whatever happened in this dance class, my worry flew out the window. Everything seemed to make sense, and I saw that African dance is in my future. I am training myself to be a “diasporic dancer,” that is, I want to dance the effects of the African diaspora – mambo, salsa, lindy hop, tango, blues, etc. Somehow everything I'm doing revolves around Africa – a continent I know nearly nothing about. But when I dance, when those movements get into my body, they demand everything of me. They insist that I hold nothing back. The movement infuses me, and I am transported to another place. I don't know what all this is about, but I know that of all the dances I do and love, only African dance feels like something I know. The rest is fascinating, even intoxicating, but African dance is my root.

Meeting people

I've met with two friends in the past days, Matthew and Nich, both of whom in their own way radiate a certain form of masculinity. I watched their postures closely, and both of them have broad shoulders with a tall frame. Their head rests easily on top of their shoulder girdle, and their necks are not strained. My head tends to crane forward, and my neck gets stressed out when I try to pull my head back. It's fascinating how guys with a good posture have a very distinct presence. It is calm and relaxed, yet feels strong and present.

A few months back in SF, I tried going into a trance with a friend. It's essentially a form of dream state, but I went walking and came across another form of myself. An older, calmer, stronger self. He mostly ignored me as I tried to ask him questions, and his only suggestion for me was, "Learn to relax." I remember being struck by his posture, and his relaxed sitting (then with his back to me) on a bench. This easy upright posture is what I've seen in Nich and Matthew.

regression and re-regression

I've been consumed with the thought of my business. I've been testing recipes for pretzels and chai in the past three days. Before that, I was scheming with Benji - head so full of thoughts, I forgot (read: neglected) to eat. Meanwhile Barry has been in town. He was teaching with Brenda last night at Tuesday blues, and I was sitting in class remembering the last time he taught here with Brenda. That was in April, and it's when I was at the culmination of beating my body to death. I remember standing in their class, being frustrated and not feeling very nice, because I was so hungry, lacking sleep, and overworking my body. Meanwhile, last night, I was feeling the exact SAME way. Talk about a regression. Have I learned nothing this summer? What am I doing to myself? It occurs to me that I become driven by my image of how things should be, and I push and push to make things that way. unfortunately, I do this with my head down (literally and figuratively) and pay no attention to the hurdles I keep knocking over.

Well, today I'm happy to say I did better. I worked on pretzels, nearly perfecting my base dough recipe, made some good chai, and tried not to think of my dwindling supply of money. tonight I danced to really good live music with Drew. Our dancing is feeling pretty good when I'm rested. I'm starting to ground in both my feet.** Our rhythms are starting to flow together a little more. I may head up to Seattle tomorrow or the next day in order to work on a routine with Toph-star and Karissa.

Until then,

j


**Barry's teachers told him dance works like this: "You are always standing on ONE foot, but always using TWO."