My life is currently in a place that feels unresolved. There seem to be many loose ends that I instinctively know will be connected into one beautiful knot, but I don't quite see how. This is where I'm at, and I know it's fragmented:
1) Drew and I had a lesson with Barry on Friday. We flew through many techniques, refining our turns and rhythms. I realized that although I have spent nearly a year practicing flight/ swing and pulse within my body, I've been doing it in the wrong order... It can basically be reduced to lack of awareness in the movement of my hips. I'm still moving my pelvic regions as a big block, and not isolating the little movements that need to happen within. Of course, within a moment Barry pointed this out, and Drew and I both started to work on it. We continue to practice dancing to live music and practicing alone to prepare for ECBF.
There is a dance training coming up this next weekend. It's another Barry and Brenda affair, and it's open only to return participants, so I expect it to cover some advanced topics. It will be the last good opportunity to create an image of where I need to go before the competitions in November.
2) I've been taking business classes through SCORE - the small business association. They are half-day or full-day affairs, covering topics such as creating a business plan, basic accounting and bookkeeping, legal responsibilities, and simply what it takes to run a business. Much of my last days have still been spent creating the image of my cart business. Benji and I are working on recipes, and considering what price points we want to hit. The next stages involve getting working recipes prepared, writing a business plan, beginning to work on a cart design, applying for business license and sidewalk permits, getting insurance, meeting with attorneys and CPAs, laying out financial structures, finding commissary space to cook, and storage space for inventory and the cart. Of course this doesn't include finding suppliers, locating the money to fund the project, and generally trying to stay healthy while getting all this done.
3) Some days I wonder if the business is really a good way to achieve my goals. Should I not just go find a job in a restaurant, and eek out a living while dancing whenever possible? The answer is no, though it is tempting to forget all the demands of opening your own business. I have to consider that at the end of the day, when the business can essentially run itself, the free time and financial opportunities will provide me with the ability to achieve my long-term goals. Working in a restaurant would force me to sacrifice some of those goals for the ability to dance more NOW and having to deal with less responsibility, but when I am honest about what I want out of life, I realize that I am not happy as a laborer. I want to write my own paychecks. I want that for the sake of security, freedom, and pride.
So I went walking again last night letting my goals fly through my head. Images of the future. I'm fascinated by rappers' accounts of their lives. They seem to talk about the struggles involved with "making it" more than other artists. A line from Kanye West's "the good life" is here: "I always had a passion for flashing' before I had it/ I close my eyes and imagine, the good life." One of Kanye's tweets said this: "I used to go to the Bang & Olufsen store and just stare at the TVs and speakers, that store was one of my main inspirations." That may sound trite and materialistic, but it actually speaks to the way I now view the world. If the world is nothing but all sorts of energy flying around, desire is similarly a form of energy. I view my financial goals not as end points, but as proofs that I can manifest things in my world. With focus and determination, I believe I can manifest this good life.
Last night, while walking around, I realized that I have begun to imagine a Nissan GTR sitting on the sidewalk beckoning me to get in. Every time I leave my house, I see it parked on the sidewalk out front. Walking down the street, it seems to be waiting for me around every corner. It's admittedly kind of weird, but it looks so real and it functions as a serious source of motivation. Tony Robbins encourages us to "awaken the giant within" by finding goals that are worthy of us - these are goals that incite us to action. So I want a really fast car, and you may conclude many different things from this, but the way I feel about it is that that car is the last thing I will buy. I'm not crazy. That car represents icing on the cake - it means that my financial concerns will be met, and only then will I own it. And that is a goal worth striving for.
4) I'm looking for mentors and inspiration. I am most impressed with two professionals in the world - Thomas Keller and Warren Buffett. So today I started writing Keller a letter. I'm still working out what I want to say, but it's full of admiration and a request for advice. I've given up my dream of working for these two men - their path is not mine, but they continually inspire me with their foresight and dedication to their crafts.
5) Lastly, I signed up for a class at PSU. My mom is kindly helping me with the tuition, or I wouldn't be able to afford it. I was on the fence between Korean and Persian. Both are languages of national concern, and both are non-romance languages - factors in my decision. The final decision came down to this - do I want to speak Korean in order to travel to Korea while teaching and dancing (yes), or do I want to study Persian, being unable to even travel extensively in Iran. The obvious solution seemed to be Korean, but the more I considered it, the more I found my heart to be with Persian. I love the poet Hafez, not to even mention Rumi, and one day I read that the two top-selling books in Iran (in order) are the complete works of Hafez and the Qur'an. My images of Iran come mostly from the news, public policy, and talk about nuclear proliferation. The stereotypes I had built into my head were far from the joyful and drunken spirituality of Hafez. I knew that I wanted to study the language, if only to understand a little of his poetry and this "rogue" Islamic state. So that's where I am, dreaming of sports cars and choosing aesthetics over professionalism.
