I just finished watching Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan. It's not a great movie, but like his others, it's very intense, and the music is overwhelming and beautiful.
It's a story about destruction and something beautiful arising from destruction. It seems like a fitting movie for me to see right now, as I sit through one sleepless night, waiting for a plane to take me back east. There is no dance in me. There is no work in me. There is a heavy dread, asking me to take a look at myself. I feel the potential for dance. In the past weeks, I've been listening to songs on repeat, and every now and then I start to feel the premonition of a groove. But still there is nothing; all I seem to find when I look at myself is tension. The tension builds, and I look at my life thinking it should be something else. It should be something, something, something. And I'm walking the streets looking for it. And why can't i find it? Why is someone buying the house I want? And why am I even here in Portland? I haven't danced in months. I suppose I never danced, really. I never let anything go. So where is my dance? Maybe I never really loved it in the first place? Maybe I never danced at all. I think that's close to the truth, so why then, am I here wanting something I've never even done before?
