Things said, things heard

I like to listen to people talk, and to hear the things they really say. Some things remain hidden from even the speaker. And yet, so much of ourselves gets said, if we can really listen with our hearts. I remember a radio interview with a researcher (if someone has the info on this, please share) who was studying short blocks of time with married couples. They would sit in an interview room and talk for 10 or 15 minutes. The conversation could be about any mundane thing, and the researchers would film and analyze it. They would then predict whether the couple would still be together in 10 years or so. The results were highly accurate, around 80%. And what's even more surprising, the results shot up to 95% when the conversation was lengthened to 30 minutes.

I don't mean to imply that the following is some deep revelation; it is a separate thought, an anecdote I wanted to share. (and on a side note, I think the above was an excellent use of the semicolon... a subtle and misunderstood piece of punctuation) Jake, Sandy and I were talking about the theory of 10,000 hours til mastery of a given task. Sandy is sure she has 10,000 of Tai Chi, and Jake is sure he must be a master of three things - carrying water, chopping wood, and shoveling manure. Furthermore, when Jake was visiting a shaman in South America, he asked what one is to do when they reach the state of ultimate one-ness or non-duality. The reply: chop wood and haul water.

_________________

since feeling is first

who pays any attention

to the syntax of things

will never wholly kiss you; 

 wholly to be a fool 

while Spring is in the world 

 my blood approves, 

and kisses are a far better fate 

than wisdom 

lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry 

--the best gesture of my brain is less than 

your eyelids' flutter which says 

we are for each other: then 

laugh, leaning back in my arms 

for life's not a paragraph 

 And death i think is no parenthesis

 
(ee cummings)

Catatonic

The movie K-PAX ends with the main character surmising that a person in a catatonic state may be able to hear everything that is said, but remain unwilling or unable to respond. He does not see that he describes himself.

I am standing on my porch beneath a cloud-covered moon. There is darkness and haze about. I've been working on something called cloud hands - a sideward stepping, rotating move that would deflect strikes.

The past two days have found me pondering how we can take Jesus at anything less than his word. Am I the only one who finds this a monstrous task? Am I the only one who reads his words and says to myself, "yes, but he must account for..." I believe that every "but" or "and" added to his words amounts to an obstruction of the light he was shining. His words must be taken at face value, or what are they? I don't want to hear commentaries, inauthenticity, or half-hearted testimonies. I want to see the man who can wield the ax Christ has brought. Perhaps it's time to seek the Trappists. For 9 or 10 years, I have been thinking of going to them. I respected advice not to go as a young man, but my desire persists.

---------

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Don't die again (Hafiz)

I am a man

Who knows the ten thousand positions of

Divine love.

I can tell by the light in your eyes

That you are still most familiar

With the few earthly ones,

But would not a good father

Instruct all his heirs

Toward that path that will someday

Deeply satisfy?

This world is a treacherous place

And will surely slay and drown the lazy.

The only life raft here is love

And the Name.

Say it brother,

O, say the divine Name, dear sister

Silently as you walk.

Don't die again

With that holy ruby mine inside

Still unclaimed

When you could be swinging

A golden pick with

Each

Step.

Bright stars

I walked home tonight under bright stars. I remember the brightest stars of my life in southern Chile one night waking up long before sunrise. It was something I could hardly imagine, and it showed why earlier peoples would have known the stars so well. Without electric lights, they shine so bright.

When I sat my last meditation course, just before coming to Wyoming, I felt like maybe I was done with Vipassana, like maybe I just wasn't on the right path. And then something happened: I settled into the meditation in a new way. In giving up, I lost the sharp edges that may have been preventing me from properly practicing all along. The course started to go smoother - certainly my smoothest one yet. So much so, I found it a little surprising by the end.

A friend sent me an astrological report just afterwards. A shift of Neptune occurred during the course, and I found it so apt with my long term goals that I'll just quote it.

As Neptune, your planetary ally, enters your sign during 2012-2026 (the last time was in the mid-1800's) your sensitivity and a deeper evolutionary reason for this sensitivity become more obvious. Not only are Pisceans naturally acutely sensitive to the collective consciousness, it goes both ways - Pisceans
have the power to shape that consciousness, to infuse it with your hope and visions. Through subtle means - perhaps thru art, music, dance or devotional works - you have an uncommon ability to bring others into different realities. We need you. Protective facades used to hide your sensitivity become too exhausting to hold up. Take a spiritual retreat sometime this year, choose this over numbing escapes. Trust, there is a new self ready to step forward.. Losses of the last couple of years required inner strength to complete a chapter in your life. Explore neglected or undeveloped skills, they may bring electricity to existing situations. A passionate longing for companions who look at life with similar depth may be satisfied thru a return to school or spiritual practice. Travel as soul quest. All will provide rudders, bringing you guiding principles and codes of living. (Gretchen Lawlor)

I still feel much as I did when I was entering Wyoming - that I don't see how my plans and dreams could be fulfilled. But one thing certainly has changed. I feel so different. Change seems to be such a subtle thing. I remember looking around after this last Vipassana course and realizing I had come a certain way, even though it has long felt like I was only paying lip service to some ideal. The fundamental teaching of the Buddha is the ever-changing state of our existence. And studying this concept as I have been, I often feel that everything really is static - that no part of me is really changing. There seems to be little hope of awakening a new self. Someone said that the greatest miracle of all is that men can change - that a devil can become a saint. Perhaps seeing this transformation as a miracle is simply a testament to our own short-sigtedness. Our humanity that refuses to believe in the actuality (and the logical consequences) of perpetual change. However the case may be, I do feel changed. I feel as though something has sprung forth with such virility and true manhood that I do stand somewhat astonished. I don't mean to be boastful. It's likely that outside eyes wouldn't recognize it, and I see in what a tenuous position I still stand, however something is changed. It would seem that it took this land to bring it out of me.

I visited Lander, WY yesterday. The "big city" offered me a ripe view of my position, for suddenly I saw coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants, things to buy, things to see... I missed my evening meditation, and observing the quality of my mind, I found turmoil. Grasping and calculation replaced the silent acceptance of the snow or the thunder of horses hooves as they race in from pasture. I don't pretend to understand what this dichotomy inside and outside means.

---------

When school and mosque and minaret

get torn down, then dervishes

can begin their community.

Not until faithfulness

turns to betrayal

and betrayal into trust

can any human being

become part of the truth.

-Rumi

Bubbling Well (quotation from an unknown source)

Bubbling Well is a balance, weight, and energetic point located in the sole of the foot, slightly in front of the arch and centered from side to side. In the meridian system it is the same as the kidney 1 point.

The importance of this point in Tai Chi practice is multi-faceted in terms of a postural and balance guide, the idea is that when the weight falls properly on this point one has aligned the weight of the upper body correctly in respect to the base of the lower body. The feeling of this correct alignment is that the foot, even of the weight bearing leg, should be soft and relaxed. It is interesting to note that most of your muscular usage (some tests say as much as 80%) is compensating for poor balance. So as our balance and posture improve, we become more efficient in our muscular use, not only conserving energy but also freeing the body to move. This is a prime contributor to the strength element in Tai Chi. The awareness of the desired feeling of the foot being soft and relaxed is one of the most important indicators of this correct body relationship.

Progress

Jake and Sandy are impressed with my progress. I'm Tai Chi Wu Style Long Form. There are two ways of performing the movements - square and round. The square, what I'm currently focusing on, includes all the movements performed in a separated or staccato manner. This means that I learn an intricate series of small movements comprising the whole. You can imagine a hip hopper or the dances by Genki Sudo. When performing the round, you begin to link together the movements to create the smooth, flowing aesthetic that we associate with Tai Chi. The main principles I am focusing on are keeping the bOdy within its natural alignments and moving the whole body together, as though it were connected like a string of pearls.

I find that Tai Chi is exposing the weaknesses I've learned to work around in dance. For years I've been working on hip action in dance, but I find so many weaknesses in my hips as I approach these unfamiliar movements. My arms and shoulders are another weak point. I like to try to move through the progression very very slowly. I find that there are stuck points in my body. Much as meditation brings up the areas that I haven't dealt with in my mind, moving slowly highlights all my stuck points. I find myself shaking and laboring in the middle of a seemingly simple maneuver. When I perform it quickly (read: poorly, blindly, naively) it seems like I can move fairly smoothly. Only when going slowly and trying to stay relaxed do all these little tensions arise.

So I'm working.

Time here has been really good. Yesterday we all went for a long walk in a big valley of BLM land. There were cows grazing and cacti. The other day I saw a mountain lion, minutes before a rancher shot him. I've been taking care of, and grooming horses. I live in a small cabin owned by Karl, Jake and Sandy's neighbor. It's got a tiny wood stove that came from the back of a caboose. It mostly keeps me warm. We eat together and I practice Tai Chi or just stare at the beauty of this place. Most days we head to town to soak in the hot springs. I've been keeping up with my meditation, and I feel very relaxed here.

Quiet (unpublished from a few days ago)

Everything is louder in Wyoming. Voices, my guitar, the stars, personalities, footsteps in the dust, a horse's snort, dinner with conversation, Tai Chi...

A car engine stands out in this land. People look up to see which of their neighbors it might be, and upon realizing, an ineveitable story follows. I always somehow thought that people living out in the country would have distant neighbors. Indeed they do, in the physical sense, but perhaps the old saying is true about neighbors and fences. Jake and Sandy have been taking care of different neighbors' horses. I've been tagging along, remembering the too short of a time that I was working with horses. Sandy says they heal - whatever ailment one might have. I'm certainly feeling a call towards them. I've got my eye on one in particular where I'm staying, bu I haven't yet worked up the guts to ask to ride. I think I'm going to ask to groom them first.

Jake and Sandy truly are Salt of the earth people. They are very giving and humble. They have taken me into their home almost entirely. They insist that I not buy any food even. Here I am with no rent and free food. Hardly anything to do with my days but go soak in the mineral springs with Jake, meditate, practice Tai Chi. There's so much to learn in Tai Chi. I was practicing the first few postures very slowly today, and I could feel all the crinks in my body. Much like meditation, I thinks I just need to work through them, which means staying present through the shaking and pain. The pain reminds me of ballet - the difference is that ballet caused that pain by stretching the the maximum, whereas Tai Chi causes it by moving slowly through a motion. One quickly realizes all the shortcuts we take in our everyday movement- how we protect certain areas by not making them move.

Alas, it's taken me about 2 days to feel comfortable here. I am quite the chameleon. Already I feel that I couldn't live out here full time, and already I don't see how I could leave.

Thermopolis, WY

Headed out of Portland, after a few months there working as a laborer with a small remodeling company. I have not spoken of certain areas of my life on this blog, and yet perhaps those very areas have had some of the largest influence on the course of my life in the past years. Two relationships ended in a year with similarities undeniable. Leaving me a writhing ball of struggles, blame, guilt, hurt. Like last year, I headed to Vipassana to find whatever it was I needed to find. And although the similarities, even the timing, seems familiar, my experience sitting was not the same. This was likely my easiest sit yet. I reached a point in the 10 days, where I thought my dedication to the practice had reached its end, and somehow in that moment a different understanding arose.

To catch up my readers a little more, after spending 4 months in meditation centers last year, I took a vow of sila, or simple morality, setting myself in a position to continue meditating two hours per day. I kept that up for a number of months, yet was unable to find balance with full time work and dance. So as I sat this year, I started to see what has changed within myself. I find less militancy in myself, and it is replaced by a firmer conviction in my views - a dedication that finds less satisfaction in proclamations and more in action. This has been a large part of the reason I have not been blogging.

The most significant change for the upcoming year symbolically occurred on the last night of the meditation course. I finally integrated all the scattered pieces of dreams I have been collecting over the past 2-3 years. I arrived in Portland with a vague desire to follow Brenda's footsteps and become a great dancer. That blind ambition lead me to question what my actual purpose has been. It has sometimes felt like a purposeless or selfish path - to be disregarding societal pressures. But as I now believe, I could not live my life as called without determining these desires.

I don't know what's going to happen now. I see a vision, and I have no idea how to accomplish it. I often feel like I'm headed in all the wrong directions. Currently I'm headed to Thermopolis, WY to study Tai Chi with someone I met last March. I am trying to put faith and confidence in the fact that I feel called here. The one thing I can say about the progress of my life over the past 5 years is that I feel myself on a path that feels right. I feel like I have been putting more and more trust in this path - living my life as I'm being called to live it. And now, leaving Portland with a little money and no plans made further than a few weeks out, I feel a sense of abandon and adventure in which faith and trust are my only supports.