I need some money - a preliminary plan

I really need some money. It's getting to the point where it needs to happen, and just like when I procrastinated in school, I can feel the gears starting to rumble. Sometimes I use deadlines as motivators. I don't think that's a very mature way to go about my life, but it's where I'm at right now.

Time is not hard to find, nor is money, but the combination of the two always remains elusive. This is exactly what I'm looking for. My goals in my dance have not changed, but teaching dance is not bringing in nearly enough money to pay my rent. For this reason, I have to look elsewhere. I've set financial goals, and it merely comes down to finding a means to achieve those goals. For the time being, it seems to be a food cart. I'm thinking of opening 2-3 different food carts and seeing which one works best. I have a few simple ideas about them, but the main rules follow: 1) the product must be simple and easy to convey to a pedestrian in a moment 2) the product must be simple and easy to make (ideally made from scratch - with most of the value added by preparation) 3) The operation must be simple in all aspects, so that operations can be handed off to anyone.

My intent is not to be creative or take any particular sense of pride in my product. I intend to sell a good product at a good price, but whereas many people get into businesses because they love the work, I am getting into this business to gain time and money. These values influence every decision I make. The project must be completely scalable (money), and most phases of the operation must be outsourced to others (time).

My plan is to find a cart that works and expand it. Depending upon my sales and profit margins, I will probably be looking to run 10-20 carts.

dreams

I met with an energy worker the day before yesterday, and we were talking about my money issues. He cleared out some of my issues relating to making money. If you don't know what I'm talking about, imagine someone who could take limiting thoughts or "programs" and help you get them out, all the while replacing them with new, empowering ones.

Anyways, we got to a point where he told me to start thinking about what I want - to imagine my life as though I had a genie in a bottle. He encouraged me to set my goals without limits. At one point, I stopped him and said that my dreams felt too big. His immediate response was, "maybe you were put on this world to accomplish those dreams." That sentence hit me like a bullet, and all of a sudden those dreams that felt too big seemed like very little - maybe even inevitable.

I was driving to Seattle after the energy work was done with many thoughts flying through my head. Some of the most interesting were concerning the imagery I've been using in my own body. Just recently, I've started to come up with my own images along with the Franklin ones. The most important is a sort of golden ray of light - it looks most like a ray of sunlight shining through dust, although it's more substantial. It bends simply and freely, and has a lifting effect. It runs from my pelvic floor to the top of my skull. It's what I'm using to work on my posture. It then occurred to me that in the past weeks, I've been using a certain image of lights in my chakras. I will meditate on them before social dancing. In the car, however, it occurred to me to link the two images, one strengthening the other. Then I suddenly saw that the images I use in my body must be beautiful, because the image will become manifest. I saw that even in the way I shape my body, I must seek the highest goals I can imagine. I must work on my body until it becomes nothing but light.

I may have gotten this idea from Morihei Ueshiba. He talked about things being light. When he had his enlightenment (for lack of a better word), he said that everything turned to a sort of light. The last piece of calligraphy he wrote before dying was the symbol for "light."



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A closer examination of Master Ueshiba's enlightenment in the spring of 1925 may clarify things. Morihei Ueshiba was well-known in Japan as a master of several prestigious samurai arts. A naval officer, who also happened to be a well-known kendo master, sought Ueshiba out and challenged him to a duel. Unarmed, Master Ueshiba defeated the swordsman without harming him, letting him attack until the officer became too exhausted to continue. Unscathed, Master Ueshiba walked to his garden and rested under a persimmon tree. According to his own account (K. Ueshiba, 1985, p. 155), the ground quaked and he felt a golden spirit engulf his body, changing it into a golden one. He suddenly became enlightened, freeing himself from the illusion of personal desire, including ambition and the desire to be strong. As tears streamed down his eyes, he came to realize the true meaning of Budo: the source of Budo is God's love, the spirit of loving protection of all things (ai love or the maternal amae love); Budo is not about defeating opponents with force, nor is it a means to lead the world to destruction; true Budo is to accept the power of the universe, maintain peace, and to protect and cultivate all life; and training in Budo is to take God's love, assimilate it, and use it in the mind and body. (Stevens, 1987 and K. Ueshiba, 1985)

first Rolfing session

I had my first session of Rolfing today. It included a general go-over of the body including the neck, collarbone, shoulders and armpits, diaphragm, hips, IT bands and legs. I certainly feel looser afterward; my knees have stopped their incessant popping, and my shoulders feel fairly open. I followed the session with my own Awareness through Movement (Feldenkraiss) session via podcast. (www.openatm.org) I have this fear, however, that the Rolfing won't really stay permanent. Andrew Smith had a huge transformation through Rolfing, but his Rolfer used hard pressure and painful sessions.

Intuitively I believe that hard work is often unhelpful, if the person receiving the work cannot relax or if the person doing the work doesn't know what they're doing. I believe in the power of easy release. The way of nature is always uncontrived. This makes ease seem like the only way to proceed, HOWEVER in practice, I find myself always wanting to push harder - go stronger, etc. This is exactly what landed me in the position of not being able to dance all summer, and I have a sneaking thought that says that the Rolfing isn't HARD enough. Maybe I should go to someone who will work my body harder. But I got a good feeling about the woman who is Rolfing me; she's the kind of woman my mother would get along with: easy going, good sense of humor, doesn't take themselves too seriously. I think i will continue.

Speaking of easiness, this really seems to be what I'm looking for in my life and my dance - graceful, unhindered, easy flowing movement. It's funny how we have all taught ourselves to do things the hard way. Even when my IT bands started to release, and my knees moved a little easier, my first reaction was that that quality of movement must be wrong. Only by reminding myself of the Franklin images and the philosophy of the Tao te Ching am I reminded that this is the way to live.


Ps. Tonight I'm eating Machaca Tacos (pulled pork and eggs) with Italian heirloom sweet peppers, shallots, and chanterelles.

sometimes the ideas come surging

I just got to thinking about the power of working in groups of dedicated people. You can achieve so much just by the fact that you encourage each other. I've been reading all these different Franklin books, but I rarely take the time to really work with the images or do the exercises. So now I want to start a Franklin study group, and maybe do a whole weekend dedicated to going through one of his books. We would hardly need any money or equipment or space. We could just sit and read!

Fantastic.

The fall, rolfing, and Mississippi

Drew and I have committed ourselves to compete at Emerald City Blues this November. We have begun to lay out a training schedule. The first thing this involves is figuring out what to work on. Our two big topics are grounding and musicality. Drew and I have a strange connection when we dance - we end up pulling each other around. This seems to be due to her musicality and my lack of it. Because we place our steps and pulse at different points in the beat, our bodies do not move at the same time. You could imagine a child pulling a wagon with a rope, but instead of pulling it consistently, he gives it a hard tug and then the rope goes slack. Then he walks until the rope is tight and gives it another tug.

Working on partnered blues with Drew will be my focus for the fall. I intend to do some select cross-training including west coast swing, salsa, ballet, and hip hop, but blues will take priority. We plan to practice for 6 hours/ week along with social dancing and some cross-training together. My fall will also be dedicated to researching different types of body work. My interests include Rolfing, Cranial Sacral, Massage, Acupunctuce, Alexander Technique, and Aston Patterning. I just scheduled my first Rolfing appointment for Wednesday.

In other news, I've decided to go to the Mississippi Delta next summer. I plan to drive down and sleep in a tent for 3-4 months. I may do some part-time work as a field hand, but my whole intention is to dance in black juke joints. The inspiration for this trip comes from the following website: http://www.deltablues.net/

My reasons for going to the Delta are kind of hard to explain. I'm not sure whether I believe in past lives or not, but I get this feeling that I could have been a slave in a past life. And maybe because of that, something in the Delta is calling to me. It sort of whispers that I need to go and see something I've forgotten. I have some intense memories from my life that all seem to be related to Mississippi slave holding.

1) I starkly remember the first time I saw cotton growing in a field. It shocked me for some reason. I have this image of being driven in a car watching the little puffs of white fly by. The image stuck with me for reasons I can't explain.

2) In high school, I became fixated on a project I was helping a friend with. It was an image from the book, Beloved. There were scars on the back of a slave in the shape of a tree. I spent hours and hours overlapping film slides to create that image.

3) At a dance training, my friend Monty brought out his bull whip and was demonstrating what it could do. I remember it flying around the room like a serpent, and the tip would crack through the air like a small sonic boom. During this display, I found myself transfixed and horrified. It seemed natural to me to be frightened of that thing, but no one else seemed to be. Brenda laughed good-heartedly and commented that I must have had bad experiences with whips in a past life.

4) Listening to Cedric Burnside and Lightning Malcolm in Portland was such a strong experience for me. I still can't forget how that Delta music seemed to penetrate my soul.

All the above examples are interesting notes, and I wouldn't have combined them in this list were it not for the last experience. I was in Vipassana meditating last fall. I had gotten very frustrated and angry at my seeming lack of progress, and although the teachers told me again and again not to force examining my body and feelings, I decided to try something. I had been plagued by the tension in my back, and I wanted it to go away more than anything. Mind you, the general advice in Vipassana is to accept your body, life, and mind "ya te bu duh" or "as it is." I, however, was frustrated. I sat for a few hours, watching my breath, and building up my concentration. After this much time, I could focus like a razor.

Throughout my time in Vipassana, I watched the feelings come and go in my body, but my back had a continuous haze covering it in the form of dull and painful tension. I could not feel the subtle changes in my back the way I could in the rest of my body, but I decided this was the moment I would feel it. I focused everything on my back, starting at the bottom near the sacrum. Soon I entered a trance-like state, and I began to see everything that was happening as though it were a movie. I began to lift up the haze as though it were gauze off a burn victim. It took all the focus I had to accomplish this, and I had to remove it very slowly. But it came up, and soon I was able to "see" my back. I saw all the tension in my back - every little piece of it. It looked like scars from a whip.

I can't explain the shock I went into. I was not ready to see that. I found out why the teachers said to accept things as they are. It was terrible.

Carrying the party to Oregon

We jammed out to Kevin Selfe tonight, and I'm glad to say the party is still going. I hope we didn't too overwhelm the locals, but the band was digging our dance.

back in Oregon

On the last day of Camp Blues, the camp spent about 5 minutes' time appreciating one another. During this time, someone came up to me and said that all the things I said were really helpful - even my comments about the psoas and other more esoteric topics. I actually teared up a bit, because it was the first time I felt appreciated for all the work I've been doing. It made everything seem a little brighter.

Ruel (one of the teachers at the camp) was particularly inspiring throughout because of his dedication to making each dance a party. There was more than one raging, multi-song jam circle this past weekend. Ruel encourages each person to participate, as opposed to making it simply a time for the skilled dancers to show off. He also encourages, as I have always thought best and I've also heard Brenda speak about, the outside of the circle to think of themselves as just as important as the inside of the circle. The people on the outside are in fact those who stoke the energy in a jam circle. It's so rare that I see someone who can inspire a group of people to elevate themselves - to create something beyond their individual dancing. Steven Mitchell blew me away at Swing Out New Hampshire with his ability to do this - both when singing and MCing. I want to bring these concepts and values back to Portland, and I've already been talking to someone about teaching a class on jam circles.

When I left Camp Blues, I drove down to LA to visit Monica. There we rode bikes and swam in her pool. On Wednesday, we went to the Santa Monica Farmer's Market where I spent nearly $50 on fruit and honey. I got some huge, amazing melons, grapefruits, tangerines, and Ojai Orange Blossom Honey. Well worth the money, I'd say.

This morning I got up very early to return to Oregon. I was hoping to get to Ashland in time for Hamlet, but the standing room tickets were all sold out. Now, however, I'm sitting in the cool Ashland breeze as the remnants of the sunlight sink into the mountains. Tomorrow I'll return to Portland where I'm scheduled to talk to Andrew Smith about taking over his job as teacher coordinator for Tuesday Blues. Also, this weekend is my practice training - a weekend for Barry and Brenda's students to come and practice with each other. I have a rough schedule laid out, but mostly I hope to spend time with some good ol' west coasters, dance, and work further towards the elusive.

learning

I'm at Camp Blues - it will end tomorrow, and I've been having a really good time. Last Camp Blues, we were in almost every class, and it was completely exhausting. This time around, I've been resting, taking time off when I need it, stretching, smiling, and eating almond croissants.

I've also had a few small breakthroughs. I felt how to activate my legs from my pelvis, feeling what Brenda calls a "yawn" in my pelvic floor. It now makes sense how the tango dancer Javier Antar creates a whip-like effect with his legs - the foot being the tail-end of the whip. I realized that even though I can keep my arms relaxed, I have been tensing my trapezius muscles and this has been drastically hindering my connection. I realized that all the hard work I have been doing building up the rhythms in my body are REALLY paying off. People everywhere are commenting on my progress, and it's feeling good.

But the main thing I realized is that the whole summer of rest has paid off. I've been taking my supplements and sleeping when I need to. After that I've been stretching and hanging out with music - this has been the pre-requisite of my progress here. It ooccurs to me how simple it is to learn when I can meet the simple demands of my body. Everytime I try to push it a little harder - stay that extra hour at the social dance, or skipping a little time to have for myself, or that snack, everything gets hindered. It's hard to explain exactly what changes with me, but it's as though I can't radiate energy. Everything is a little duller.

I am healthy right now, and that is the most important part of my life. But health is more than just eating the right things or exercising - it is also a mental state. I can only now consider happiness to be the end aim of health. It is like the connection in partner dancing... health and happiness aren't something that we can create, but rather something that arises when all sufficient conditions are met. And learning - this seems to be analogous - it similarly arises when the conditions of health and challenge are found. Learning, in fact, all action backed by desire becomes not a standalone action, but rather a naturally occurring one. This makes all the difference in the world. It explains why I loved every minute at St. John's College and hated nearly every minute (of academics) at Yale. My learning at SJC was backed by desire and interest, but I just tried to force my way through Yale.

This is a powerful phenomenon. I feel it will take me very very far. It also implies some drastic implications about the philsophy of life. If desire is naturally arising, and so is all the action resulting from that desire, when the sufficient condition of health is met, then there is NOTHING that has to be worried or fussed over, but the care of our bodies and minds. This is hardly easy - it takes a lot of dedication and awareness, but it is learnable. And to think that it would make the rest of life simply flow is motivation enough to seek it. I feel like I've found the well-spring of all success.

I also still feel like I need to return to Aikido.

lesson planning

Brenda and I have been lesson planning for some of the classes we'll be teaching together at Camp Blues. She's on a super-musicality kick, so we've been talking about boogaloo, stroll, swamp, and shuffle blues. It's hard to hear all the differences.

Brenda

Brenda, on the timing of modern mambo:

"If you keep rushing, you'll always be late."

Why?

Last night, someone asked me why I dance. Different people have asked me that, and i think I've had many answers, but the truest is probably the simplest. I first started dancing, because I wanted to be tall, elegant, and attractive to women. I kept dancing for that reason (not to mention that it was fun) for many years, and I think that it only changed when I met Brenda. I remember the first class I had with her. It was a class on body integration. She was doing simple movement exercises, and letting the motion begin in the core and travel out through the extremities. I remember being blown away at the elegance of these movements.

I knew that I wanted to study with her, and I have since. Now my reason for dancing is even simpler: I want to move through the world with grace.

this little piggy goes to market

A flat of strawberries? Was it necessary? Well, they've dropped to $2/ pint, and I'd like to freeze some, as well as make some jam.

Beans
Purslane
Cucumber
Tomatoes (my first of the year)
Summer Squash
Hungarian something or other pepper
Purple (Green) Peppers
Shiitakes
Carrots
Rainbow Chard


mmm.

health

I've been reading Dorian "Doc" paskowitz's book called Surfing and Health. He is quite the eccentric, and I encourage you all to watch the documentary "Surfwise" to learn more about him. it's on Netflix instant-watch. In the book, he says his life goal was to really learn what health is. He finally defines it as such: "Health is more than the mere absence of disease. Health is the presence of a superior state of well being - a vigor, a vitality that has to be worked for, day after day." He goes on to say that health is independent of sickness - one can be healthy but sick. Their superior state of health will get them through that sickness much easier than another person. His diagnosis for achieving this state is pretty old-fashioned: exercise, rest, good diet, recreation, and positive mental state.

I've been thinking about it recently, and I'm probably starting to get closer to that than I've ever been before. I still can't quite get my energy swings under control, but when riding my bike, cooking for myself, and spending the days dancing, I'm getting close. A friend, a professional dancer, the other day, meantioned that she always eats this or that after coming home from rehearsal, and I found myself jealous of being able to come home from rehearsal - something you were paid to do...

I was working with Brenda today on salsa, and amidst the technical breakdown, the musical theory, and the critiques of my posture, there was a moment at the end of the lesson where I busted out some salsa. How nice.

little class

I taught a little class with Andrew Smith today on competition topics. We filmed the students and practiced some different concepts. I made $5.

I know I'm doing it wrong. I can't get people to come out, because I'm not charismatic enough. I also seem to have lost my confidence in being able to teach anything. All I seem to be able to do is walk around and feel just how messed up my body is. Anything else seems to be lost on me. This is fatalistic, but I can't help wondering if I'll ever get out of this funk. Will my cash flow ever turn positive, or will I have to prove my previously-stated commitment of selling my car and anything else I need to?