influences

My father

My mother

Thomas Keller

Warren Buffett

Brenda Russell

Etienne Cakpo

Bruce Blair

Morihei Ueshiba

certain gifts, certain predispositions

I was thinking today about the course of my life thus far. It could be summed up in a few stages:

1) youth

2) disapproval

3) seeking

4) aiming

Around the time of my parent's divorce, I began to notice things only in the negative sense. It was during this time that I laid the groundwork for all that my life would become. As I looked around, I was dissatisfied with much of what I found. If the general end of a person's life is considered happiness, prosperity, and peace, I looked around and found that my sense of these values did not match with those around me. I silently (and sometimes not so silently) took stock of the situation.

This taking stock encouraged me to unravel what I felt would be better. I would say this period was ushered in as I began to work in a restaurant kitchen through my time at SJC and Yale, and all the way to Portland. What was my life to become? What do I value?

After finding certain things I did not want to live without - friendship, money, dance, progress. I began to take aim, and the curious thing about this aim is that it has very little to do with the details. I am aiming in a macro sense, expecting the details to work themselves out. Rereading a book about Warren Buffett I sympathize with his unwillingness to run the companies he owns. He has a grand scheme, and he sticks to what he's good at. I've been working to discover this in my own life. After arriving in Portland, my commitments filled the calendar but all this without any true planning or awareness. Suddenly I was presented with the problem of not wanting to do everything I was committed to do. I turned to my macro goals, while still cutting everything out of my life. I've been fairly ruthless in it - my friends hardly see me. I don't dance. I'm barely teaching. But to rebuild one needs strong foundations.

For this reason I'm planning to go to Vipassana for a few months. This is something I wanted to do since first attending a course, but I didn't really make the time for it to happen. Suddenly I realize that the skill Vipassana teaches is to focus, and lord knows, I need some of that. I keep wanting to get places, but I don't have the discipline to sit down and get these jobs done. I understand that I need to get things done, but when I sit down and am unable to work, I see that something needs to change. When I feel that my life should be taking off, I'm leaving to sit in a room for a long time. Vipassana meditators sit for 10+ hours/ day. I will exchange being a course participant and serving those participants. I'm not really sure how long I plan to go, but needless to say I won't be blogging much.

It's curious that I feel the world closing off to me. I struggled and strived to get my food cart open. Everything seemed to be working against me until finally I've decided to just see what happens if I don't struggle. I first looked into the venture because it didn't need much capital, but I realize that to grow quickly, I need at least 110% more capital than I need merely to open shop. Though this may be the first I've publicly spoken of my business venture, suffice it to say there have been many many hours of work put into it. However, I'm going to stick with a Buffett mentality and believe that the right venture will grab me by the throat.

Whatever happens, I am a few month's closer to fulfilling my college roommate's prophecy that I am, "least likely to ever have a 9-5 job."

the virtue of axes

It's occurred to me in the past weeks that the essence of clear dancing is contained in the concept of axes. There are two axes in the body, corresponding to our two feet. Clear dancing, clear rhythms, clear leads, and clear follows occur when we are completely over one of these two axes. Sounds fairly simple to stand on one foot, but I estimate that over 99% of the dancers I watch do not get over one foot before switching weight. I'm included in the majority.

What this means is our lives are one big jumble. Where are we? It's hard to tell - in fact, it's hard to even see the music in our movement. Music is regular, but the split-weight shuffle that we're all out there performing cannot be regular. It can't be precise. It can't ever really be beautiful. To reduce dance down to it's most fundamental aspects leaves one with 1) clear movements of your weight, 2) posture, 3) timing. At least these are the three that I have discovered.

I found Musashi in my dad's garage. It's nice to start reading it again for the third time. The characters have become familiar. I picked up Iron John again too. Plato. Emerson. Buffett. Liar's Poker. Tao. mmm.

On the topic of axes, it's clear to me that the most powerful thing in the world is to be fully present. Watch a few clips of Morihei Ueshiba and you will realize. Just watch. What is it that prevents us all from being present? I don't understand. To sit; to simply sit. To eat. To sleep. To dance. All this is merely falling - it's accidental. We miss the heart of it. What is an action if not done with intention? It's nothing. We might as well push some dirt around. We tell ourselves it is something, because everyone around us is doing the same. We all can't be wrong. Right?...

To act without intention is natural. We've all learned it, and it is how we live. But there must be something more. I watch Morihei, and I cannot see when he overtakes his opponent. At what moment did it happen? There is a story about a man who came to O-sensei planning to attack him as he bowed. Morihei stared the man down silently for a prolonged period of time. The students did not know what to make of this. Why were these two men not bowing? What sort of thing was going on as they watched each other? Suddenly the would-be attacker bowed very long, and Morihei returned the gesture. The man understood that he sat before a man with no openings.

What does that even mean? No slippage? To simply be present. Morihei used to say that all of Aikido could be learned in 6 months. He would reprimand his young students for developing their strength. He would lament that when he turned to look back there was no one on the path behind him. What is this martial art called Aikido? What is this thing called perfection? It's not training - it doesn't come from that, though training is useful. Where does it come from? What is a man with no openings? Is he even a man? What is the silence of the moment? What is a swing out? What is an axis? What is this corn on my foot? Why why why why?

It's hard to get along without a farmer's market. Good lord, where are my eggs and mushrooms? What is this CAFO produced flesh? It looks like it's rotting. I saw a table of rotting food, placed out like a feast. Treated like a feast. We're missing it. The silence of the moment. Do you know the moon is eclipsing now? huh, Jonathan? Do you?

black swan

I just finished watching Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan. It's not a great movie, but like his others, it's very intense, and the music is overwhelming and beautiful.

It's a story about destruction and something beautiful arising from destruction. It seems like a fitting movie for me to see right now, as I sit through one sleepless night, waiting for a plane to take me back east. There is no dance in me. There is no work in me. There is a heavy dread, asking me to take a look at myself. I feel the potential for dance. In the past weeks, I've been listening to songs on repeat, and every now and then I start to feel the premonition of a groove. But still there is nothing; all I seem to find when I look at myself is tension. The tension builds, and I look at my life thinking it should be something else. It should be something, something, something. And I'm walking the streets looking for it. And why can't i find it? Why is someone buying the house I want? And why am I even here in Portland? I haven't danced in months. I suppose I never danced, really. I never let anything go. So where is my dance? Maybe I never really loved it in the first place? Maybe I never danced at all. I think that's close to the truth, so why then, am I here wanting something I've never even done before?

back to meditation

I've started meditating for an hour, twice a day. It's been a few days now, but this is the first time I've ever sat for an hour when alone. I sat for longer than that at Yale, where I had the support of a location and group doing the same. I sat for 10 hours/ day during two Vipassana courses. 2 hours/ day was the recommended homework when leaving Vipassana, but I was never able to do it. My mind would wander so fast. I've been practicing affirmations from Louise Hay and reading lots of other materials focused on changing one's thoughts. I quickly realized that it's very hard to do that. I just don't have the focus. That's when it finally occurred to me, in fact while reading a book by David Hawkins, that I have to get back to meditation. There is actually something in it for me. I practiced meditation earlier in my life without really thinking about it. I knew I liked it, but I didn't have a driving force encouraging me to continue. And suddenly I may have found that.

on cooking with care

Something funny happened to my cooking and food buying in the past days. I was thinking about making a lasagne a few weeks ago. I was cooking and cooking, in a hurry, operating on autopilot. It was fascinating watching myself work, because I was flying through the prep, doing everything very efficiently. As I was finishing the sauce, I tasted it and thought, "man, that's amazing." A moment passed, and then all of a sudden I decided to make it MORE amazing by adding some splashes of balsamic vinegar. Naturally, this threw off the balance and the sauce tasted vinegary. Assembled, the whole thing tasted great, but that decision to add vinegar haunted me. Why did I do that? Why was I unable to accept that moment of perfection - when all things were balanced?

As I continued cooking in the next weeks, I started to give some thought to Buddha's middle way. He seems to say we are all bouncing against extremes. We are joyful then depressed, etc. Likewise my cooking was a skill I learned through meeting extremes. Each time, my dish would be a little bit off, and I would correct my technique for the next time. I thought a lot about my dishes. I compared my past experiences, recipes, and instruction to amalgamate a dish.

Somehow in the past two weeks something shifted. Hardly noticing it, I stopped thinking in terms of past experience. I looked at a dish, or raw ingredients, or the content of my fridge, and thought, "What now?" I continued this line of questioning from the market through the preparation of the dish, so that my cooking became a series of, "What nows?" And I can't believe it, but my cooking is flawless. I've bought the perfect combination of things at the market without any plan; I've used everything in my pantry/ fridge; the cooking and seasoning has been just right. I'm not doing things the same as I was taught. I'm pulling unexpected things out of my pantry. I'm left feeling something isn't quite right until I track down that last ingredient.

I think I finally found that state Thomas Keller eloquently writes about, when you pay the closest attention to the details. Cooking in this sense is a deep awareness. This may adequately explain why mass-produced food is consistently unhealthy. It is prepared with minimal awareness. What is it about attention to detail that makes things come alive? The hand-wrapped gift, the beautiful and comfortable home, the kindest of words. I think it is the fact that the perfect action requires deep awareness and deep love, and then these qualities somehow imprint themselves onto the world around us.

The vision - let's clarify

Two Rabbits, LLC is formed. An Oregon Limited Liability Corporation is registered in my name. It may not be much, but it felt good to make it. I actually completed the registration a few weeks ago, and since I've been thinking about what I want it to be. I talked about some of my vision in an earlier blog, but I keep thinking about structure, activity, etc. It occurs to me that this business need only be what I want it to be.

Do you know that people could not understand how a textile manufacturer could own such disparate businesses? They all wondered what it meant for the textile manufacturer itself to be sold, while the business keeps the original name? How could a business just OWN businesses in completely different fields - get into insurance, candy, prefabricated houses, carbonated sugar water, furniture, jewelry... the list goes on. Warren Buffett is not ordinary - he followed the path that felt right to him. It occurred to me while meditating on Berkshire Hathaway that my business does not need to be defined right now - at least not the details.

As for the general philosophy, I imagine it running separate ventures. Some will deal with operations, some will not. I can see it investing. I see it huge. I kept wondering how to deal with the dance aspect, because that is a very real reason for opening it. I want it to support dance in the community. I want to create. I want to create things that are so mind-blowingly beautiful that people come all from all over the world to participate.

I had thought that I would donate profits, maybe start a separate company, maybe a 501(c)3, but then it occurred to me that I want control. I don't want a board that I have to answer to. I just want to create an explosion of whim and creativity, so why not keep everything under the same umbrella? Why not just one company - like Berkshire? It won't make sense to people, but it doesn't need to. Why can't a company be more than we think of a company being? I always thought of businesses being either for-profit OR not-for-profit. This means maximizing resources towards private benefit or towards social benefit, but I want to split it. I want a company that is known for making lots of money, but also one responsible for creating beauty unspeakable. I don't particularly like pigeon-holes, and I don't like bureaucracy. Who's to say a company can't be whatever you want it to be? Maybe there are companies our there like I'm envisioning; I'd be interested to hear from anyone about them.

The basic premise of all this is that capitalism gets a bad rap. I want a business that creates wealth and does cool stuff. Hmm, it occurs to me that maybe Google has beaten me to this premise, and that makes so much sense. This is the new capitalism. It's boring to just rack up wealth. All it means is faster cars and bigger houses (while not bad); this eventually belies a lack of CREATIVITY. That's what it really all comes down to. There's too much wealth and freedom in this country NOT to be wildly creative.

There are so many fun things I want to do.

I'm not finished

What are these things called teachers? Meno asked Socrates whether virtue could be taught; Socrates could only follow the train of thought until virtue could not be defined. But Socrates teaches much when you aren't paying attention. Socrates teaches through examples, while diverting you to paradox. He reminds us what we don't know, while asking us questions about everything we do know. He simultaneously makes us remember and forget - we are humbled and uplifted.

If we listen to his words, we can be deceived into thinking we have learned nothing - he has taught nothing. But this is far from the truth, and I can't quite understand it yet. The best I can describe is that a teacher arises from anything. Indeed the wisest of men seem to find teachers in the most universal and inanimate of objects. When a rock becomes teacher, we must wonder whether we understand the relationship between teacher and student.

Here is my thought: a teacher and student are socially imposed labels. There are certain ornaments, rituals, practices we use to help remind us to stay humble when learning, but these are reminders, not the true state of things. What happens when a teacher and student form a bond? The relationship between teacher and student does not arise in every situation. Often I remain resistant to a teacher, and I never allow them to become my teacher. I select my teachers very carefully, but try to learn from everything. (I know this contradicts my above point, but it's 1:47am. Who cares?)

The bond between teacher and student is such that learning takes place more like osmosis than anything else. A teacher may show steps, may give guidance, but the ultimate transmission happens without words, even without physical presence. This is because the 'transmission' was never a transmission at all, but more like a reminder. True learning must come from within. But the interesting topic for me is the spiritual connection between a teacher and student. I feel this bond with Etienne, and though I've only taken 4 classes from him, those classes were times of heightened experience. Something was transferred to me by way of simply looking at his body. You can't really hear Etienne when he talks in class, so some of this is necessary. But I continue to learn, as I silently contemplate his performance. I remember him sitting next to the guy hooking up his electronic music equipment - mimicking. It was a gesture so full of love. I remember the lights fading, the music dying, and suddenly he leaped into the air - dark skin flying through darkness. And the Landing! OH, it was silent. An explosion brings sound; this was part of my reality. Fireworks, a soda can opening, the tests of the a-bomb: all these demonstrate that sound must come from an explosion, but Etienne broke that rule. He shattered the rules of the universe in front of my very eyes. And suddenly, I was forced to realize that my rules are wrong. He simultaneously shows my ignorance and the way.

This is what a teacher is: a person who enables you, in whatever way, to see past your limited views of reality. But the bond between teacher and student - what is that? I suppose it's really no different from the bond between you and every other individual. It's just that the teacher shows what it can or should be.

To learn is a rebirth. It means to sacrifice a part of ourselves, and necessarily blindly. If we are to learn, we cannot know what we are to learn, and we therefore must do so with faith. Faith, faith, faith is the essence of learning. It is the willingness to release those parts of ourselves that WILL not mix with our new being. True learning must involve fear, or we are not risking the death of a part of ourselves. This is why my learning has been so sporadic through the years. So many years of the country's best education, and what have I learned? I can write these blogs - the words can flow out of me, and I enjoy that. But am I really a changed man due to words? Or is it rather the ideas of Plato, Emerson, and all the others that broke and battered me? I would like to say that we should institutionalize this process of learning, but a part of me says that learning can never be institutionalized. It is something so sporadic and naturally arising nothing can make it happen. We are either deathly afraid of release, or ready to fall. Like lemmings, we plunge into real learning.

Bad Food

I just had the worst food experience ever. I went to Red Robin - a place known for its burgers, and I ordered a burger. It's best to describe my experience in terms of a different experience. I have been eating a farmer's market chicken in the past days, and I find myself imagining its vitality when I eat it. Just like you see/ imagine a vegetable's vitality, I started doing the same with my meat. It improved my eating experience tenfold. Another habit I've taken up is imagining the source of all the ingredients in my dish just before eating. A good practice, I think.

Back to the burger - that burger tasted dead. The meat literally tasted as though there were no vitality, but it was simply a vehicle for protein. It disgusts me more and more as I think about it. I'm only feeling better as I eat some honey and almonds.

It's always struck me as naive to protest against eating animals on moral grounds. As far as I can understand, the argument classifies life and the value therein in completely arbitrary terms. For instance, if something has a face, is it MORE alive? If something has legs, is it more vital than something with roots? Well, the rabbit forages, and the plant leans towards the sun. Maybe these seem drastically different at first glance, but with a closer examination, I don't believe there can be much difference between the experiences of pain, pleasure, sustenance, etc. It's very very easy to forget that we live by consuming life. I remember the day as a child when I really linked the image of a chicken and the shrink-wrapped, boneless, skinless breast in the fridge. It was shocking, nearly scandalous. But this is so much easier to do now. It's simple not to think of a Cheez-it coming from the earth. Who cares where a burger comes from? Jamie Oliver blended a WHOLE chicken in front of kids, and it was disgusting. However, when breaded and fried nearly all of them wanted to eat it.

Our society has chosen mechanization of the food chain for good reason, but it's time to honestly look at that chain and remember one existential fact: we live by killing. Death brings life, and nothing else can.

In some Spanish-speaking regions, a butchering of a pig is called El Sacrificio. It evokes images of Abraham and Isaac, Mary Magdalene, Christ. And isn't that only natural? Christians gain eternal life through eating the body and blood of the Christ. Disturbing? OR life affirming? Is it possible to see the Christ in each bite of food you take? It seems that we have to be connected to the killing in order to do that - of both Christ and the plant/ animal. It seems wiser to me to imagine yourself as the roman guard, stabbing the side of an already dying man. This act of irreverance seems hardly different from eating blindly.

What I feel like we must understand is that if to kill means to live, the act of killing must take on a sacred significance. We should kill with intent, blessing that which yields to us.

This tangent is building into a fever, and I can't sense where it's going. But to kill is to live. To die is to be born, and to be born is necessarily to kill. If we are born with our guilt, it's no true guilt. Original sin must be a fallacy, or simply a teaching technique. It seems to me that the only sin is to be ignorant of our own nature. That has nothing to do with learning, and everything to do with looking. I have to look. I have to find the root. I don't trust what people tell me or imply, unless it's that I am holy and beautiful. Something inside me screams in fits if ever anything else is implied, as though it were an insult against my humanity. So back to killing - I want to kill. Thomas Keller wrote a beautiful passage called "the Importance of Rabbits." It entails the story of him butchering cute baby rabbits. It's a fairly horrid story, but that's what makes it all the more beautiful, as he ends contemplating the fact that he never cooked anything with so much care. This is necessarily our purpose while here - to get in touch with the basis of reality, not to run from it, but to understand and finally embrace.

What is fear? That somehow lies at the root of all our issues. We don't want to look at our food supply, because it makes us killers. We don't want to look at ourselves, because it makes us sinners. But is that not what we are? What's ever wrong with that if it's what we are? The fox fornicates openly - why do we hide? The jaguar kills ruthlessly. People have more insight, so we should be better. I suppose that would be the argument, but I don't trust it. I trust something inside me that calls out to all humanity, "I am a sinner. Place the mark of Cain on my forehead, and protect from my enemies!" I am Abraham, ready to kill his son. I am the bold man returning 10 talents for my master's 1. For what else is there that is not an affront to my sense of being? I can't be small - it's not in my nature, nor in anyone else's. I can't fit into a society that asks me to be all things for it, and in return casts me a pittance. The good servant received 10 cities for his cunning - what is this world that returns me a 401(k) for my soul? What am I but a broke guy ruminating on a chicken?

The teacher and the student change places constantly.

Anything else is aggrandizement or immolation, and neither is possible.