Return training begins tomorrow

Barry and Brenda are hosting a return training this weekend, and it's looking to be the biggest one yet. People from all over are showing up, and it will be good for both Barry and Brenda to make some money. I'm busy preparing myself for the weekend - cooking enough pork and brownies to last me. The farmer's markets are booming - it's the glut of the season. there's lots of tomatoes, squash, eggplants, and peppers. I'm taking advantage of it all. I bought 35 lbs of organic tomatoes for $25 yesterday! I'll be canning them as sauce after the weekend. I also plan to stock up on green chiles (which I will roast and freeze) and hazelnuts before the market closes. I realized that it is an excursion to go to the grocery store now. Mostly I shop at the coop or the farmer's market. Occasionally there is something I need like a big pork shoulder (the coop is vegetarian), but I've really been surviving from local farmers. It feels good.

I worked with Barry and Drew today - we are working on fairly advanced turning concepts.

Mostly, however, I am thinking about business, and that's why I'm posting so little. I danced lindy hop last night, but I don't feel like I have anything particular to report. I'm working on my swing out, and it's pretty much all i did last night. But really, the business is consuming me. Well that, and those little notes the IRS loves to send me (I must have some friends there.) I think I'm going to name my company Two Rabbit, LLC. There is no reason but for me liking the sound of it. Maybe it comes from Alice in Wonderland?

I plan to spend next week doing research on a coffee bike. yes, I have purchased a Mexican cargo bike that I intend to turn into a badass little coffee cart. I'll most likely be serving pourover coffee and almond/ orange biscotti. This will allow me to get into business quickly, while I am prepping my other food cart. I've been plugging numbers into some business plan software, and I'm realizing just how much money I need. And well, let's put it simply, if the IRS has their way with me, and I want to get this bike off the ground, it better happen before November's rent is due...

What does Hafez have to do with a sports car?

My life is currently in a place that feels unresolved. There seem to be many loose ends that I instinctively know will be connected into one beautiful knot, but I don't quite see how. This is where I'm at, and I know it's fragmented:

1) Drew and I had a lesson with Barry on Friday. We flew through many techniques, refining our turns and rhythms. I realized that although I have spent nearly a year practicing flight/ swing and pulse within my body, I've been doing it in the wrong order... It can basically be reduced to lack of awareness in the movement of my hips. I'm still moving my pelvic regions as a big block, and not isolating the little movements that need to happen within. Of course, within a moment Barry pointed this out, and Drew and I both started to work on it. We continue to practice dancing to live music and practicing alone to prepare for ECBF.

There is a dance training coming up this next weekend. It's another Barry and Brenda affair, and it's open only to return participants, so I expect it to cover some advanced topics. It will be the last good opportunity to create an image of where I need to go before the competitions in November.

2) I've been taking business classes through SCORE - the small business association. They are half-day or full-day affairs, covering topics such as creating a business plan, basic accounting and bookkeeping, legal responsibilities, and simply what it takes to run a business. Much of my last days have still been spent creating the image of my cart business. Benji and I are working on recipes, and considering what price points we want to hit. The next stages involve getting working recipes prepared, writing a business plan, beginning to work on a cart design, applying for business license and sidewalk permits, getting insurance, meeting with attorneys and CPAs, laying out financial structures, finding commissary space to cook, and storage space for inventory and the cart. Of course this doesn't include finding suppliers, locating the money to fund the project, and generally trying to stay healthy while getting all this done.

3) Some days I wonder if the business is really a good way to achieve my goals. Should I not just go find a job in a restaurant, and eek out a living while dancing whenever possible? The answer is no, though it is tempting to forget all the demands of opening your own business. I have to consider that at the end of the day, when the business can essentially run itself, the free time and financial opportunities will provide me with the ability to achieve my long-term goals. Working in a restaurant would force me to sacrifice some of those goals for the ability to dance more NOW and having to deal with less responsibility, but when I am honest about what I want out of life, I realize that I am not happy as a laborer. I want to write my own paychecks. I want that for the sake of security, freedom, and pride.

So I went walking again last night letting my goals fly through my head. Images of the future. I'm fascinated by rappers' accounts of their lives. They seem to talk about the struggles involved with "making it" more than other artists. A line from Kanye West's "the good life" is here: "I always had a passion for flashing' before I had it/ I close my eyes and imagine, the good life." One of Kanye's tweets said this: "I used to go to the Bang & Olufsen store and just stare at the TVs and speakers, that store was one of my main inspirations." That may sound trite and materialistic, but it actually speaks to the way I now view the world. If the world is nothing but all sorts of energy flying around, desire is similarly a form of energy. I view my financial goals not as end points, but as proofs that I can manifest things in my world. With focus and determination, I believe I can manifest this good life.

Last night, while walking around, I realized that I have begun to imagine a Nissan GTR sitting on the sidewalk beckoning me to get in. Every time I leave my house, I see it parked on the sidewalk out front. Walking down the street, it seems to be waiting for me around every corner. It's admittedly kind of weird, but it looks so real and it functions as a serious source of motivation. Tony Robbins encourages us to "awaken the giant within" by finding goals that are worthy of us - these are goals that incite us to action. So I want a really fast car, and you may conclude many different things from this, but the way I feel about it is that that car is the last thing I will buy. I'm not crazy. That car represents icing on the cake - it means that my financial concerns will be met, and only then will I own it. And that is a goal worth striving for.

4) I'm looking for mentors and inspiration. I am most impressed with two professionals in the world - Thomas Keller and Warren Buffett. So today I started writing Keller a letter. I'm still working out what I want to say, but it's full of admiration and a request for advice. I've given up my dream of working for these two men - their path is not mine, but they continually inspire me with their foresight and dedication to their crafts.

5) Lastly, I signed up for a class at PSU. My mom is kindly helping me with the tuition, or I wouldn't be able to afford it. I was on the fence between Korean and Persian. Both are languages of national concern, and both are non-romance languages - factors in my decision. The final decision came down to this - do I want to speak Korean in order to travel to Korea while teaching and dancing (yes), or do I want to study Persian, being unable to even travel extensively in Iran. The obvious solution seemed to be Korean, but the more I considered it, the more I found my heart to be with Persian. I love the poet Hafez, not to even mention Rumi, and one day I read that the two top-selling books in Iran (in order) are the complete works of Hafez and the Qur'an. My images of Iran come mostly from the news, public policy, and talk about nuclear proliferation. The stereotypes I had built into my head were far from the joyful and drunken spirituality of Hafez. I knew that I wanted to study the language, if only to understand a little of his poetry and this "rogue" Islamic state. So that's where I am, dreaming of sports cars and choosing aesthetics over professionalism.

Working and new goals with Moshe (but mostly a long tangent)

Benji and I worked today - meaning that we tasted and tested pretzels and hot chocolate and chai. We found the secret killer ingredient for our pretzel dough, and I am well pleased. We are now producing a product worthy of commercial production.

In other news, I taught a private lesson. It's been a while since I've done that! And then I had a good night dancing with Drew at Duff's. My goal over the next months, while practicing my blues dance, is to do one Feldenkrais class a day. They have free podcasts at openatm.org. An invaluable resource. Word to the internet!

*Side note: The phrase "word" derives from the earlier expression in street slang: "Word is bond." This phrase is biblical in its etymology (My word is my bond.). I propose that the meaning of "word to your mother" should be taken in this sense, as an oath to one's mother. An oath that shouldn't be broken. If that meaning is true, my above phrase has no real meaning, but alas...

openatm.org is a useful site.


The following explanation seems to explain the phrase a little better, yet now I wonder if "word is bond" is even related.


**Taken from urbandictionary.com -- "Word to your Mother"

An anachronistic corruption of the phrase "word to the mother", which was a popular reference to Africa or "The Motherland" during the late 1980s Afrocentric movement. While the replacement of "the" with "your" effectively obliterated the term's Afrocentric roots, it continued to be used in the same manner, that is, to express agreement. Alternatively, the "your" could take on sinister connotations, implying that speaker was sexually intimate with the listener's mother, as in "say hi to your mom for me", or, in keeping with the whack terminology, "props to your mom, she's da bomb". Finally, the phrase might mean nothing at all, and be used to ineptly feign street cred, in the style of Vanilla Ice.
Jeff - "Given the uncertainty of today's market, I'm strongly considering increasing my portfolio's share of treasury bills."
Greg - "Word to your mother."

the extension of my arms

Normally, as things change in my body, I hardly notice the differences. It takes a lot of meditation and self-awareness to see the distinctions between today and yesterday. Mostly I am just ever-present (or maybe not present) in the moment that's happening. I tend to see things as they are not, rather than how they are, or even how I would have them. This is probably the real issue: I see my body in terms of comparison rather than for what it is. The consequence of this is that I never really see my body.

I was looking at my arms extend in the mirror today, and like always, I can't really see the difference between now and then. But I have noticed that I like the extension of my arms. I used to think they were too long, and maybe that is why I chronically shortened them. "Chicken wings" as Brenda would say. Now, I think it's beautiful to watch them extend. I've learned to stop clenching my shoulders when I lift my arms - further lengthening my extension, and making my shoulders appear more defined. More and more, my body is becoming a place I like to be. It's not always that, but speaking historically, this is quite a feat.

Lately, I feel strong.

an improv performance, dancing to soul, and William Blake

Last night was a long night. It was a night like you can only have in a major metropolitan center, full of dancing, art, and booze that goes into the wee hours of the night. Early in the night, I went to a performance with 8 dancers and 8 musicians. Names were drawn from a hat, one by one, and dancers would perform to whatever music was played. It was fascinating to watch - sometimes a little disturbing as well. Some of the performances were not what I would term "dance." I say that because some of them were antagonistic or full of self-loathing. Some were antagonistic towards the musicians. Much of this music was not traditional, and some of the dancers seemed to rail against what they were thrown into with their very soul. It was not until Etienne came to the stage that calm and peace reigned supreme. He was paired with a guy doing a sort of minimalist, mixed electronica. There were long pauses and moments of silence. Etienne filled these moments with his own movement and rhythms, but eventually came to a point where he was just waiting for the music to begin again. He knelt down next to the musician, and while watching so carefully, he mimicked all of the musicians movements with a tenderness that one can hardly understand in a jaded, post-modern society. Once the music began again, he was in his own element. The musician laid down a heavy drum line, and Etienne's African background was given room to shine. Pulsing, turning, balancing. His body turned into radiating muscles and dark skin. He leaped into the air, landing in silence. He balanced in arabesque. He let ripples flow through his body that would awe any hip hop dancer. He communed with the musician in a spirit of cooperation and respect that elevated both their arts.

I have been looking for a passage I came across in Eat, Pray, Love. If anyone has read the book and knows where it is, please let me know. the narrator is talking about the goal of any person being to tame the ego in order to get out of the way. It is to say that with all our fears, neuroses, and obsessions, we get in the way of the natural order. We slow everything and everybody down. We fixate on the "I," and in this we are limited and caught within our own perspective of what is possible. (Some of this is my own elaboration.) This is reminiscent of my little breakthrough with my arms and shoulders. When I dance with someone, I am often caught up in my own ideas of "leading" my partner. This means that I create my lead from my arms and shoulders, creating unnecessary tension within. Although this often feels like the only way to lead someone else, there is a much more powerful and clearer way to lead. In this I let my arms connect to the rhythm of my body, allowing for more freedom of expression in both partners. This tension is analogous to the dancers in the performance. It is only once we can sit quietly and calmly, at peace with ourselves, that we are able to express something greater than ourselves. Otherwise, we are only caught up in our own shit - expressing something indeed, albeit not necessarily something uplifting.


Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare He aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand, what dread feet!

What the hammer! What the chain!
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil! What dread grasp
Dare it's deadly terrors clasp?

And when the stars threw down their spears
And watered heav'n with their spears
Did He smile His work to see,
Did he who made the lamb make thee!

Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

breakthrough

Ok, I'm going to write another post. Riddle me this: it is always after something that gets me feeling really good energy that I have a dance breakthrough. i stayed too long at the blues dance tonight. I knew the moment I should have left, when my knee started to bug me. But I had just started to have a breakthrough - I let go in my shoulders and arms. I stopped trying to "lead" my partner, and just let my body move. I've understood intellectually that this is the way we should dance, but I really started to do it tonight.

Nice.

my heart is bursting

My heart is so full. I worked hard today with Benji – brainstorming, planning, thinking. We are both in Seattle, and he met me to look through cookbooks and talk logistics. We tried some of the best chai and hot chocolate around. We talked and talked. When he started to feel sick, I dropped him off and napped in a park. Then I headed to the U District to an African dance class I wanted to take. I arrived a little late and caught the end of the warm up. The class is taught by Etienne Cakpo from Benin. A while back, I had heard of him from Brenda, but I hadn't ever made the time to attend a class. One day, I was talking about Al Minns (a favorite old-time dancer of mine), and Brenda said, “You know, Etienne is better.” Better, I thought? Really? So I checked the guy out on youtube. He seemed to dance a different style of African dance than I was used to – it was full of undulations and smooth... like Al Minns. And damn, he might be better. (I don't yet have the eye to tell.)

I went to my first class with him a few weeks back when I was in Seattle, but my legs were tired, my knees were hurting, and my mind wasn't quite in it. Today I felt rested and good, as though the class were a sort of dessert for my day. The class was amazing. I can't hear a thing he says because of the music, his accent, and his soft-spoken nature, but his movements ring so clear. He slows down, he demonstrates, he keeps a close eye on the students. And the room fills with so much love and joy that one almost can't bear it.

In my last class with Etienne, I realized through comparing my body to his, that I was not using my hips as I should. I was closed off and hiding in my pelvis. I finally understood what Brenda and Eric Franklin have been talking about when they say to open the pelvis. I've been trying to focus on that point, but it was only when I noticed Matthew's posture that I connected the pelvic opening with the rest of my posture. I spent the class today applying that structural change, and this means finding the courage to be present in my body. About half way through the class, I realized I was dancing with my pelvis in hiding. I adjusted it, and instantly someone smiled at me, as if to say, “Well, nice to finally see you...” I danced the rest of the class soaking in the good vibes, and finding my joy. This joy gives me the courage to “fill out” my posture. It gives me the courage to be fully present in my body, and start to find the rhythms.

Oh the rhythms... they are so amazing. So simple, but so complex. Etienne's helper started talking to me about the rhythm of one step, and how it was falling “off beat” or rather between the beats. It was very similar to Barry's explanation of “swung time” in jazz. I used to hear Steven Mitchell talk about a similar phenomenon in Ella Fitzgerald's singing: “Listen to Ella, she'll keep you on time...” And here it is again. I don't know what this rhythm thing is all about, but I know it's not found explicitly in the beats. (Interestingly, in swung time the notes always fall very late behind the beat. This rhythm, however, seemed to be early – just before the next beat.)

In Etienne, I have found a teacher. When I first met Brenda, I knew within 10 minutes that I wanted to continue studying under her. There was an immediate feeling of familiarity – that she was teaching things that made complete sense to me. I have found this in Etienne as well. I have met many inspiring teachers with many things to teach, but in Etienne's dance, I see something I want to model myself after.

I was getting out of my car on the way to the class, and wondering whether or not I should change the name of my blog. “Becoming a professional” may be a little misleading if I'm starting to reconsider being a professional dancer. I have spent the last week crunching numbers and talking recipes... Is this reason to change the name? Have I changed my goals? All this talk about finances and work has taken my mind away from dancing, and I felt like maybe I am taking the wrong track and partially abandoning dance. Whatever happened in this dance class, my worry flew out the window. Everything seemed to make sense, and I saw that African dance is in my future. I am training myself to be a “diasporic dancer,” that is, I want to dance the effects of the African diaspora – mambo, salsa, lindy hop, tango, blues, etc. Somehow everything I'm doing revolves around Africa – a continent I know nearly nothing about. But when I dance, when those movements get into my body, they demand everything of me. They insist that I hold nothing back. The movement infuses me, and I am transported to another place. I don't know what all this is about, but I know that of all the dances I do and love, only African dance feels like something I know. The rest is fascinating, even intoxicating, but African dance is my root.

Meeting people

I've met with two friends in the past days, Matthew and Nich, both of whom in their own way radiate a certain form of masculinity. I watched their postures closely, and both of them have broad shoulders with a tall frame. Their head rests easily on top of their shoulder girdle, and their necks are not strained. My head tends to crane forward, and my neck gets stressed out when I try to pull my head back. It's fascinating how guys with a good posture have a very distinct presence. It is calm and relaxed, yet feels strong and present.

A few months back in SF, I tried going into a trance with a friend. It's essentially a form of dream state, but I went walking and came across another form of myself. An older, calmer, stronger self. He mostly ignored me as I tried to ask him questions, and his only suggestion for me was, "Learn to relax." I remember being struck by his posture, and his relaxed sitting (then with his back to me) on a bench. This easy upright posture is what I've seen in Nich and Matthew.

regression and re-regression

I've been consumed with the thought of my business. I've been testing recipes for pretzels and chai in the past three days. Before that, I was scheming with Benji - head so full of thoughts, I forgot (read: neglected) to eat. Meanwhile Barry has been in town. He was teaching with Brenda last night at Tuesday blues, and I was sitting in class remembering the last time he taught here with Brenda. That was in April, and it's when I was at the culmination of beating my body to death. I remember standing in their class, being frustrated and not feeling very nice, because I was so hungry, lacking sleep, and overworking my body. Meanwhile, last night, I was feeling the exact SAME way. Talk about a regression. Have I learned nothing this summer? What am I doing to myself? It occurs to me that I become driven by my image of how things should be, and I push and push to make things that way. unfortunately, I do this with my head down (literally and figuratively) and pay no attention to the hurdles I keep knocking over.

Well, today I'm happy to say I did better. I worked on pretzels, nearly perfecting my base dough recipe, made some good chai, and tried not to think of my dwindling supply of money. tonight I danced to really good live music with Drew. Our dancing is feeling pretty good when I'm rested. I'm starting to ground in both my feet.** Our rhythms are starting to flow together a little more. I may head up to Seattle tomorrow or the next day in order to work on a routine with Toph-star and Karissa.

Until then,

j


**Barry's teachers told him dance works like this: "You are always standing on ONE foot, but always using TWO."

dancing and things

Last night I sat meditating upon my financial goals, asking myself what needed to be done. The answer seemed to be that I needed to talk to my friends Benji and Jae. The next step seemed to beckon me to go to sleep, as though I would find the answers in my dreams. Whatever I dreamed about, i couldn't remember. the next thing I knew I was being woken up by Drew knocking on my door. I slept like a complete rock.

Drew and I practiced for a few hours this morning. We laid out the topics we plan to work on for ECBF, and we practiced some things. Our practice time together has gotten much more productive. I realized after visiting and practicing with Karissa in Seattle what it's like to be at square one when working with someone, and Drew and I are far beyond that. We are starting to pay closer attention to our rhythms and the subtleties of our technique - cleaning up, clarifying. We have a clear path until November, and that feels good. Barry Douglas will be teaching in Portland through the month of September, and we plan to work with him on musicality and blues waltz (one of our favorite theoretical topics...)

After Drew left, I almost immediately got a text from Benji asking me to go bike riding with he and Jae. I hesitated for a moment, and then remembered my thoughts from last night. So I went, and we went biking around, occasionally throwing around money making topics, occasionally acting like fools. We finally came back to my house to devour a watermelon, and we really started to talk seriously. Many ideas have been proposed for a street cart, and soups are my front runner, but Jae started talking about what they serve on the streets of Germany. Pretzels was the best answer. I've been giving it lots of thought. Pretzels are cheap, fairly easy to make, and they will shame that pre-frozen crap one buys at the ball games. Plus they can serve as the bread to dip in your soup.

Benji and I, much like with Drew, have our own little gameplan. We're set to discuss ideas at least 2-3 times/ week. We both know that school is starting soon, and whatever venture will be begun must start within a month or two. The other day I went over to see his house, and we went on a walk, scheming, discussing, dreaming. We finally came to a grown over baseball diamond, and we took a walk around it, imagining the distance as an image of our lives - talking about where this will take us. It was fascinating. I had some physical and emotional responses to our little journey. It felt exhausting by the end of it. I saw so clearly how this business is a means to an end - how one day I will sell my shares to Benji and leave to go really train in my dance. I saw so many dreams, and for the first time in my life, they don't feel like apparitions. They feel solid, tangible - like an image in a cookbook. I just need to quiet down and find the recipes within myself.

Rolfing, results?

I was driving to see some suits with Andrew, and I had just been Rolfed (3rd session) and ate some breakfast. I was leaving the parking lot, and getting on the road, when suddenly I felt some tension in my neck release, and my head extended upwards. I felt this same feeling in my arms once before. It's the feeling of trying to push your extremities further, and then you realize that it's exactly this pushing that creates tension and holds them back. Only release can facilitate full extension. I felt this in my neck, and suddenly I was thinking of a quote from "How to Win Friends and Influence People." (Yes, my latest self-help book)

"I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

And I suddenly started crying. Tears just started to flow as I drove. It's hard to say exactly what I was feeling, beyond a sort of melancholy from the fragility and temporality of our existence. I feel like the day will come when I will understand the things I do and say. When all their significance will become clear, but for the time being, I'm left with this lack of understanding. And I don't feel like denying my current feelings.

I want to drive a very fast car.

What does it all mean? Is the Rolfing working?

My first choreography - performed

The four guys, along with myself, who participated in my choreo class FINALLY performed last night. It seemed as though the stars aligned. when I first started choreographing, I had hoped to perform at the anniversary party for Tuesday Blues, but when I asked, no one seemed organized enough to tell me that was ok. We meant to perform our routine about a month ago, but then I left for CA and everything was crazy. The first week we could finally perform happened to be the Tuesday Blues anniversary, and they let us do it. The time spent not performing and doing little practice was well spent. Everyone was relaxed, and we walked out there and danced our thing. The room was packed, and the energy was high.

We received lots of positive feedback, and it felt really good to finally get that done. Doing the routine and teaching it, along with many rehearsals that I hadn't planned for was exhausting. By the end of our practicing, I no longer knew if it was actually any good. I mostly depended on the other guys' excitement, which was very strong. They really helped me through that. Now I'd like to do another choreography for Emerald City Blues. I'm planning to do it to James Brown's It's a man's man's world. I don't think I'll perform in the next one. That's kind of sad to think, but Karissa from Seattle has asked me to do a routine with her and two guys. Plus I'll have my solo routine that Barry choreographed (and I haven't practiced in months...) Dancing in three routines seems a bit much, so I'll focus on the choreo and get them excited.