1) youth
2) disapproval
3) seeking
4) aiming
Around the time of my parent's divorce, I began to notice things only in the negative sense. It was during this time that I laid the groundwork for all that my life would become. As I looked around, I was dissatisfied with much of what I found. If the general end of a person's life is considered happiness, prosperity, and peace, I looked around and found that my sense of these values did not match with those around me. I silently (and sometimes not so silently) took stock of the situation.
This taking stock encouraged me to unravel what I felt would be better. I would say this period was ushered in as I began to work in a restaurant kitchen through my time at SJC and Yale, and all the way to Portland. What was my life to become? What do I value?
After finding certain things I did not want to live without - friendship, money, dance, progress. I began to take aim, and the curious thing about this aim is that it has very little to do with the details. I am aiming in a macro sense, expecting the details to work themselves out. Rereading a book about Warren Buffett I sympathize with his unwillingness to run the companies he owns. He has a grand scheme, and he sticks to what he's good at. I've been working to discover this in my own life. After arriving in Portland, my commitments filled the calendar but all this without any true planning or awareness. Suddenly I was presented with the problem of not wanting to do everything I was committed to do. I turned to my macro goals, while still cutting everything out of my life. I've been fairly ruthless in it - my friends hardly see me. I don't dance. I'm barely teaching. But to rebuild one needs strong foundations.
For this reason I'm planning to go to Vipassana for a few months. This is something I wanted to do since first attending a course, but I didn't really make the time for it to happen. Suddenly I realize that the skill Vipassana teaches is to focus, and lord knows, I need some of that. I keep wanting to get places, but I don't have the discipline to sit down and get these jobs done. I understand that I need to get things done, but when I sit down and am unable to work, I see that something needs to change. When I feel that my life should be taking off, I'm leaving to sit in a room for a long time. Vipassana meditators sit for 10+ hours/ day. I will exchange being a course participant and serving those participants. I'm not really sure how long I plan to go, but needless to say I won't be blogging much.
It's curious that I feel the world closing off to me. I struggled and strived to get my food cart open. Everything seemed to be working against me until finally I've decided to just see what happens if I don't struggle. I first looked into the venture because it didn't need much capital, but I realize that to grow quickly, I need at least 110% more capital than I need merely to open shop. Though this may be the first I've publicly spoken of my business venture, suffice it to say there have been many many hours of work put into it. However, I'm going to stick with a Buffett mentality and believe that the right venture will grab me by the throat.
Whatever happens, I am a few month's closer to fulfilling my college roommate's prophecy that I am, "least likely to ever have a 9-5 job."
