I've had a strong urge to read the Bible recently. I picked up the Gospel of John, and I was shocked (shocked!) at its deep esotericism. This is the message I was meant to understand as a child? No, I believe not. This was the message I was taught not to question. I've been wanting to go back to church recently, but I always felt a deep schism between me and church. There was always a quiet understanding that no one there could answer the questions I wanted to ask. I would scandalize them, and then finally the inevitable response would be to tell me to have faith. He just doesn't have faith, that's why he doesn't understand the message. I think it's a large jumble, and I feel like a madman in church, because no one else is asking the questions that seem so obvious to me. How strange to find such a deeply esoteric message in the Bible, and to think that this is one of the world's most popular religions. Maybe I need to read more to understand; in fact I'm sure that I do, but for now I'm left wondering what everyone globs onto. Is it the miracles? Is it a deep-seated desire for a savior? For someone to take everything off our shoulders? Can we really be Christians and not fully surrender to Christ's example? I have never been able to resolve Christ's words of a rich man not being able to enter heaven with my own life. Until I can find this resolve, I can never be a true Christian. The camp counselors, the preachers, etc. told me that I just needed to "accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and savior..." But what does that even mean?
When looking for the Good Book, I came across a commentary on an ancient tantric text. The book is by Osho, and he speaks in a language I relish.
"To create a doctrine, experience is not needed. Really, on the contrary, the less you know the better because then you can propose a system unhesitatingly. Only a blind man can easily define what light is. When you do not know you are bold. Ignorance is always bold; knowledge hesitates. And the more you know, the more you feel that the ground underneath is dissolving. The more you know, the more you feel how ignorant you are. And those who are really wise, they become ignorant. They become as simple as children, or as simple as idiots."
"Do not create the fallacy that an argumentative mind is an alert mind."
"You can understand sex only if you move in it as a poet moves amidst flowers - only then! If you feel guilty about flowers, you may pass through the garden, but you will pass with closed eyes. And you will be in a hurry, in a deep, mad haste. Somehow you have to go out of the garden. Then how can you be aware?... So tantra says, accept whatsoever you are. You are a great mystery of many multidimensional energies. Accept it, and move with every energy with deep sensitivity, with awareness, with love, with understanding."
"Love is being totally open, vulnerable. It is dangerous, you become insecure. We cannot ask how to love, we cannot ask how to surrender. It happens! Love happens, surrender happens. Love and surrender are deeply one. But what is it? And if we cannot know how to surrender, at least we can know how we are maintaining ourselves, how we are preventing ourselves from surrendering. that can be known and that is helpful.. How is it that you have not surrendered yet? What is your technique of nonsurrendering? If you have not fallen in love yet, then the real problem is not how to love. The real problem is to dig deep to find out how you have lived without love, what is your trick, what is your technique, what is your structure - your defense structure, how you have lived without love. That can be understood, and that should be understood."
