There is a transformation taking form deep within my heart. I can see it clearly, because whenever something threatens me or my spiritual progress, I can feel it. And now I have the discipline to separate myself from it. When a plant is young, you have to tend it - make sure it doesn't get baked in the sun, or drenched in the rain. Is there enough fertilizer, is the soil rich enough? Does it get the shade it needs? I am that plant, and my heart needs tending.
I realize that I have been sloppy with my relationships, with my words, with my thoughts. They run around and do what they will. This means that sometimes I have great experiences, and sometimes I have terrible experiences. It feels like I'm at the whim of some brutal machine, but in fact I have been at the whim of my own unstated thoughts and desires.
Whenever I feel threatened, whenever the sea of my heart becomes too rough, and I'm not sure If I can keep afloat, I simply walk away. Sometimes I'm walking from my friends or my enemies, or my dancing, or whatever else may be causing the turmoil. It has made me feel stronger every moment. I finally feel that I have some semblance of control over my life, and I recognize that this is largely a negative control. I am not yet ready to alter the circumstances - I have to run from them. But all things come in due time.
Part of the reason that Portland is so great for me right now is the drizzly grey. It feels like a blanket was put over the world. It is a place of emotional smallness and protection for me. It's a place to tend the growth of my heart. I imagine that whenever it is time for me to step forth into my next role, people who haven't seen me in a long time will think, What happened to him? People who know me will think, How did he do that? And people who know me best will think, That's the guy I always knew.
