I'm watching my money dwindle away. My successive failures at turning a profit while teaching dance have a tendency to wear on my mind. I am, maybe oddly, consoled by a fortune I received at the Chinese garden a few weeks ago. It read, "Prosperity will come when you most want it and least expect it." A part of me has felt that way since leaving school. I watched my inherited stocks drop, and then felt compelled to sell at a low point, so that I could be sure to be out of school debt. Now my life seems to be more and more a walk of faith, and somehow I believe this is the only way it could be. There is something about a safety net that inherently holds us back. We may walk on a tight rope with a net below us, but our spirit stays small.
I'm reminded of Nikos Kazantzakis' The Last Temptation of Christ. There's a scene where night has fallen and Jesus is standing on a hill above a small town, watching the fires cast their light through the darkened sky. He considers the idea that he is at his most content while possessing nothing and placing his trust in God and man in order to survive.
I live in a world of wealth and excess. This is my safety net. I forget how much lower I could fall and still not lose my soul. To keep that safety net in place, I am tempted to abandon my hopes and dreams. The safety net provides me with comfort and the luxury not to examine myself.
What does a man with nothing have? Can we really be true Christians and glaze over Jesus' claim that it's harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven? There's something here. I don't know what it is.
My back has started hurting when I stand with my hips forward. This is good pain, because it keeps me aligned. I danced a little tango last night, and I realized that as soon as I enter the tango embrace, I compromise my posture in this way. With my back hurting this is impossible. I have to fix it immediately. It is an interesting thought that what provides us with pain and pleasure is in such a flux - that we can actually shape these things.
