It occurs to me that I write too much; I say too much. My mind remains as undisciplined as ever, and I feel pangs of self-reproach. It is no use to write simply to say things. It is similarly no use to write when I haven't really thought about what to say. Many of my recent personal emails and last blogs have been abstract, wandering thought. I suppose that in some sense this is useful, but it must be much more meaningful to put my full intention and thought behind my words. I am going to let all my old posts stay here, but sometimes i consider revising and editing and deleting.
I find my mind like a wild horse - seemingly untameable. It reacts. This is not it's highest purpose - at least I don't believe it to be. Sometimes I think to myself that I am being hard on myself - that it's not really that bad. However when I watch myself in hard times it becomes clear that I am as uncontrolled as an infant crying for milk. Then I turn to good times and see opposite but similar reactions.
I am struggling to understand what my purpose is right now. I'm not dancing, and I don't feel like my dance is improving at all, but somehow it appears that I am learning what needs to be learned. It's clear to me that to control one's intention is the key behind any great action. In order to dance like I want to dance, I have to have that control.
I keep trying to relax the muscles in my pelvic floor. I can feel them tensing almost all the time now. I am able to relax them only when I'm standing or sitting still and with lots of concentration. I have been tensing these muscles (why?) to absorb the many shocks and movements in my daily life. This is causing my posture to hunch (Now I see that when correcting my posture, I am only fight against the muscles of my pelvic floor. These must first be relaxed.), and it's causing me to misuse almost all the muscles in my body. It means that I overuse certain muscles (IT bands) and almost not use others (glutes).
Am I a perfectionist to want to complete this education of mine before I take up dance again? I could be dancing more than I am. What I really want is the money and time to immerse myself in Pilates, Alexander Technique, privates with Brenda and Barry, workshops with Etienne. To obtain that, my mind needs to be clear, and furthermore I've seen the effects of hard training when one is not in the right mindset. What have I really gained from my years of training and travel? I dance a little better - it's true. But my dance is not elevated. My social interactions are not graceful. I am not a man of intention. To continue my dance training in the state I was in when arriving in Portland feels like trying to fix my posture without addressing the root issue of my pelvic floor. I remember coming across a girl who was having pain and clicking in her knees. She was asking someone for advice, saying that the pain had started in the past year since she started lifting weights. At a glance I knew that this was due to poor technique - her pelvic floor was tight and she was straining against her body. This cannot be the right way. This is essentially how I have been treating my physical body, and as always everything physical seems to be a manifestation of the psychic.
