Point 1) I've been studying addiction. Really, I'm studying the symptoms. I know addiction occurs when I want something, seemingly out of the blue. My mind tells me that I just want it, as though I were fulfilling some random craving, as though anything were random. This is how my addictions play out. Suddenly I want coffee (out of the blue), and ignoring the craving, a headache arises. I ask myself where this headache came from, missing the causation.
When I took the five precepts, I was instantly filled with intense craving for these very things. I thought this was a strange sort of reaction, being that these intense desires were nonexistent a few days earlier. Then it started to become clear - I am addicted to these pleasures. As (most of) these five desires begin to die down, I notice similar reactions towards other things. Coffee, meat, sugar, self-loathing, fear, Taylor Swift... I have nothing to do but keep observing these symptoms. The strangeness of it all is that I'm no longer sure what isn't an addiction.
Point 2) When sitting, my mind wanders. There comes a certain point in every sitting where there is a strong "kick" from within. Something inside me wants to stop meditating. Like the addiction, however, I have no causal awareness. I have always attributed this to an outside cause. It's my legs hurting, the need to check the clock, the five bugs scouting my neck and ears, that dog seemingly barking at me. The list is as beautifully diverse as one would expect. Lately though, I noticed that it happens the same amount of time into the hour...
Oddly, as faith in mind dissolves, I feel relieved.
